Marriage After An Affair: How To Repair A Marriage After An Affair, Reaching an Agreement
How to repair a marriage after an affair is not an easy task. You need to patch, if not rebuild the foundation of your marriage and revisit your wedding vows to one another.
Inspite of what has happened, many affair victims desire to save their marriage, feeling that the affair is just a road bump to overcome. They rationalize the time invested with their spouse, and feel as though they are a groomer for someone else, so they want things to go back to the way they were before the affair took place.
You can find that going "back" may be a big mistake. You'll discover how to repair your marriage after an affair and direct your efforts forward to building a stronger, healthier,and happier relationship.
"Happy Times" in Your Marriage
In trying to take your relationship "back", you are only returning to the place where your current marriage problems began.
Naturally, you are searching for the happier times. You want to relive the good memories in your relationship not the present thoughts of learning your spouse cheated.
The past is gone, and its not coming back. It may be easier to put on blinders and concentrate on the way things were. But looking backwards will only drag the past screaming and hollering to the present, making it much more difficult to repair your marriage--and defeat the chance of having a better relationship with your spouse.
Now you ask, if its a bad idea to go back in time, then what can I do?
New Marriage Foundation-Reconstruction Phase
It's never easy to repair a marriage after an affair. It can be unsettling to move forward when you still question the stabiliy of your marriage's foundation.
It's necessary to not only repair, but to build a completely new foundation. It will be worth the time spent and a much stronger relationship will result, better than the one you had before.
Isn't that how you want your marriage to be?
There is difficulty believing any kind of improvement could exist. And little faith of things getting any better than what you have just gone through. But the process of saving your marriage after an affair will take time.
To begin, you need to outline what needs to be accomplished.To move forward in your relationship, you need to find a solution to the old issues. Here are some steps to get you in the right direction:
1) What Are The Hot Spots in Your Marriage
You both have to take ownership and identify your marriage hot spots, or the repeated issues that come from the following needs that have not been met.
•Do you fulfill one another's need in how your affection is shown?
•Do you argue over how to communicate effectively?
•Do you find that time together just doesn't happen? Ex holidays, vacations,or even dates.
•Do you divide tasks so both spouses are satisfied?
•Do you both agree on the amount of effort it will take to save your marriage?
These are the problems you need to resolve to be able to move forward.
2) Which of These Needs Are to Be Agreed On
After there has been a joint effort to identify the hot spots, you need to decide which of these needs are important to you. It could be only 1 or it could be all of them.
Writing them down will help. Treat it like a goal or check sheet. Having the needs written can act as a source in case there is confusion in what was agreed on.
After so many months and years of arguing about the same subjects, both of you may have been automatically tuning each other out. It's time to knock down those old barriers and use that energy to build a better and stronger relationship.
3) Work On Repairing Your Marriage Together
Writing down and deciding which needs to work on is definitely getting there. The next step is reaching your goals and working on them together.
To resolve issues in your marriage, after an affair, you need to work to change past problems as a team. One example would be, if your spouse does not show much P.A.(public affection)the next time you are out, have him hold your hand in public. Yes simple, but effective. It shows the world that you are together, and he is making everyone aware of the fact. It may take time and practice, but finding the solution is nothing more than developing a new habit.
Saving your marriage after an affair will require a wide range of effort and emotions from you both. The years of problems and issues won't disappear overnight. Neither will the memories of the affair.
Saving your marriage is a commitment not to be taken lightly. Be strong and vigilant and in return, you may finally have the marriage you had hoped for.
So now, whether you have already started the healing process yourself, or are just beginning, know that you can move forward to where you won't be worried about picking up broken pieces--you'll be preparing a fresh new foundation.
Inspite of what has happened, many affair victims desire to save their marriage, feeling that the affair is just a road bump to overcome. They rationalize the time invested with their spouse, and feel as though they are a groomer for someone else, so they want things to go back to the way they were before the affair took place.
You can find that going "back" may be a big mistake. You'll discover how to repair your marriage after an affair and direct your efforts forward to building a stronger, healthier,and happier relationship.
"Happy Times" in Your Marriage
In trying to take your relationship "back", you are only returning to the place where your current marriage problems began.
Naturally, you are searching for the happier times. You want to relive the good memories in your relationship not the present thoughts of learning your spouse cheated.
The past is gone, and its not coming back. It may be easier to put on blinders and concentrate on the way things were. But looking backwards will only drag the past screaming and hollering to the present, making it much more difficult to repair your marriage--and defeat the chance of having a better relationship with your spouse.
Now you ask, if its a bad idea to go back in time, then what can I do?
New Marriage Foundation-Reconstruction Phase
It's never easy to repair a marriage after an affair. It can be unsettling to move forward when you still question the stabiliy of your marriage's foundation.
It's necessary to not only repair, but to build a completely new foundation. It will be worth the time spent and a much stronger relationship will result, better than the one you had before.
Isn't that how you want your marriage to be?
There is difficulty believing any kind of improvement could exist. And little faith of things getting any better than what you have just gone through. But the process of saving your marriage after an affair will take time.
To begin, you need to outline what needs to be accomplished.To move forward in your relationship, you need to find a solution to the old issues. Here are some steps to get you in the right direction:
1) What Are The Hot Spots in Your Marriage
You both have to take ownership and identify your marriage hot spots, or the repeated issues that come from the following needs that have not been met.
•Do you fulfill one another's need in how your affection is shown?
•Do you argue over how to communicate effectively?
•Do you find that time together just doesn't happen? Ex holidays, vacations,or even dates.
•Do you divide tasks so both spouses are satisfied?
•Do you both agree on the amount of effort it will take to save your marriage?
These are the problems you need to resolve to be able to move forward.
2) Which of These Needs Are to Be Agreed On
After there has been a joint effort to identify the hot spots, you need to decide which of these needs are important to you. It could be only 1 or it could be all of them.
Writing them down will help. Treat it like a goal or check sheet. Having the needs written can act as a source in case there is confusion in what was agreed on.
After so many months and years of arguing about the same subjects, both of you may have been automatically tuning each other out. It's time to knock down those old barriers and use that energy to build a better and stronger relationship.
3) Work On Repairing Your Marriage Together
Writing down and deciding which needs to work on is definitely getting there. The next step is reaching your goals and working on them together.
To resolve issues in your marriage, after an affair, you need to work to change past problems as a team. One example would be, if your spouse does not show much P.A.(public affection)the next time you are out, have him hold your hand in public. Yes simple, but effective. It shows the world that you are together, and he is making everyone aware of the fact. It may take time and practice, but finding the solution is nothing more than developing a new habit.
Saving your marriage after an affair will require a wide range of effort and emotions from you both. The years of problems and issues won't disappear overnight. Neither will the memories of the affair.
Saving your marriage is a commitment not to be taken lightly. Be strong and vigilant and in return, you may finally have the marriage you had hoped for.
So now, whether you have already started the healing process yourself, or are just beginning, know that you can move forward to where you won't be worried about picking up broken pieces--you'll be preparing a fresh new foundation.
