The most important issue we need to be aware of in marriages is "Communication!" Above all else you need to learn to communicate in a way that will build your relationship and bring glory to God.
Without communication there is no marriage.
Communication is to love what blood is to the body.
Take the blood out of the body and it dies.
Take communication away and a relationship dies.
Marriage couples should try to keep open, at all cost the lines of communication between them.
Communication is both talking and silence; it is touching and a quiet look.
Communications is a process of sharing yourself both verbally and non-verbally in such a way that the other person can understand and accept what you are sharing.
Communication is accomplished only when the other person receives the message sent, whether verbal or nonverbal.
Communication can be effective, positive and constructive, or it can be ineffective, negative and destructive.
While one spouse may intend the message to be positive, the other spouse may receive it as a negative.
Communication that is effective depends not so much on what is said but on why and how it is shared.
Why do we seek to really communicate with one another? For some it is a way of achieving empathy with our spouse.
We want to know that our partner feels what we are feeling.
We want someone to share our positive feelings and our joys, as well as our negative feelings and sorrow.
Sometimes, rather than merely conveying information, we desire to draw the other person into our life.
When we are encouraged to talk about what happened to us at work, at home or at church, we feel accepted by our spouse.
Another reason for sharing is to ventilate anger and pain.
Not only do we need to express our emotions, we also need someone to listen and accept us.
We need a sounding board; however, our listener needs inner security and emotional stability in order to be a sounding board.
These are just a few of the reasons why we share with one another, but they all boil down to one basic need-we want to be affirmed and supported by the person we love.
This kind of support reinforces our own beliefs or feelings about ourselves.
We need positive (not negative) feedback that says, "You are adequate, lovable, good, nice to be around, etc" When a couple marries, two distinct cultures and languages come together.
In fact, you are actually marrying a "foreigner".
Surprised? You may be! But each of you speaks a different meaning to the same words.
If each of you does not define your words, then assumptions and misunderstandings will occur.
A husband tells his wife that he will be home early tonight.
What is his definition of "early"? What is his wife's definition? Or when a wife responds to her husband's request, "I'll do it later," what does that loaded word "later" mean? The wife may mean, "I'll do it in three days.
" Her husband may interpret it as, "She'll do it in three hours.
" Nonspecific commitments such as, "I'll think about it," creates disagreements and frustration.
The response, "Yes, I'll try," is also insufficient.
A definite and specific commitment is more acceptable.
"I will call you if I see that I will be late for dinner.
" "I will help clean up the family room starting this Saturday.
" Even when we raise our voices when we communicate means something different to each person.
Yelling may be a normal form of expression for one person, whereas to the other it means anger and being out of control.
A husband responds to his wife's question of "How did you like the dinner?" with "Fine.
" To him the word means "Great, very satisfying.
I like it a lot" But to his wife it means he had little interest in what he was eating.
If the situation was reversed she would use several sentences and lots of adjectives to describe her delight.
He uses a single word.
But both people may mean the very same thing.
One of the most vicious and destructive communication technique is silence.
It can be devastating.
Each of us needs to be recognized and acknowledge.
But when our partner retreats into silence our very presence, existence and significance are ignored by the most significant person in our lives.
Silence can communicate a multitude of things: happiness, satisfaction, a sense of contentment and well-being.
But more often than not it communicates dissatisfaction, contempt, anger, sulking, "who cares," "I'll show you" etc.
When silence prevails there is little opportunity to resolve issues and move forward in relationships.
Too many of us use silence as a weapon.
An approach to deal might be, "I've noticed that there are times when it's difficult for you to talk to me.
Is there something I'm doing that makes it so difficult for you to share with me that you rather be silent?" If he or she responds with an answer to this, just let him or talk.
Do not attempt to defend yourself.
Thank him/her for sharing his/her feelings with you.
If either spouse has not told you what it is that he/her wants you to do differently, ask him/her for a suggestion.
Are you aware of the effect of your nonverbal communication has upon your spouse? We use gestures, body movements and eye expression constantly.
Nonverbal communication is similar to a code.
We need to learn to decipher it, modify, refine and enhance it.
Marriage couples should develop their communication lines by becoming more sensitive to the words and phrases the other uses.
Make a list of the various phrases you use during the day.
What is your dominant mode? Also make a list of the various phrases you spouse uses.
What is her/her dominant mode? Practice using that style.