I recently received an email from a wife who was devastated. Not only was she dealing with finding out that her husband had been having an affair, but that same husband had decided that he wasn't sure if he was ready to end the affair or to give up the mistress. The husband kept claiming that he was "confused," and "needed time to determine where his heart was."

The wife wanted my advice as to what she should do. She very much wanted to save her marriage. She had children to think about. She wasn't ready to just close the door on the life she had built because her husband was acting like a fool. She hoped that he would eventually come around, but what should she do in the meantime? She didn't want to just back off and allow him to carry on with this woman, but she was afraid that if she gave him an ultimatum or pressed the issue, he would not chose her and would leave for good.

She didn't know which way to turn. My opinion on this (and it's only my opinion) is that the wife was in a situation where she had to decide what was going to be a deal breaker for her personally and to act accordingly. Additionally, the husband was not likely to respect her or to perceive her as positively if she allowed herself to take a back seat to someone else. I will discuss this more in the following article.

It's Very Difficult To Save A Marriage When He's Still Having An Affair: The wife wanted to do something which I felt could not be done as things stood right now. It's nearly impossible to restore or address the marriage when there are three people in the relationship. There really should only be two. In order to right this wrong, you're going to need for both of you to be committed and willing to do a lot of restorative work. This is not possible for him if his mind and heart is possibly with someone else or if he isn't sure which of you he wants.

And, it was completely unfair and selfish for the husband to expect that the wife was just going to have patience while he made up his mind. He shouldn't be able to have it both ways. It was painful for the wife to consider that the marriage might be at risk either way. Because honestly, even if she demanded that he work on the marriage, she was going to always wonder if the husband was thinking about and longing for the mistress, especially since the husband was very honest about not being willing to end the affair.

Not Taking Playing Seconds To The Mistress Or The Affair: The wife's worst fear was a divorce. She was very clear on the fact that she did not want this and would fight until the better end to save her marriage. But, nothing said she had to file for divorce right now. She could still maintain her self respect and put saving the marriage on hold until the husband made up his mind to be committed and to end the affair.

Nothing said she could not tell the husband that she was not willing to work with him while he was still carrying on the affair, but that he could approach her again once he decided he was over this and ready to make amends. In this way, the wife was making her boundaries clear, maintaining her self respect, but not closing the book on her marriage.

This was going to be so important for her self esteem. She deserved more than this. And honestly, maintaining her integrity was going to make her appear more attractive to her husband. A wife who is a doormat and who allows this kind of behavior certainly makes it easier on the husband, but he will typically not perceive her as an equal or as capable and attractive.

Waiting For The Affair To Lose It's Luster: Of course, the wife was so afraid that the husband and the mistress were going to fall deeply in love, ride off in the sunset, and live happily ever after. I suppose this could happen, but more commonly, the husband will come to realize that he was not living in reality. He'll come to realize how stupid he was acting and that the woman or the relationship was not what he thought. Typically once the excitement and the newness wears off, so too will his fascination with and commitment to the affair.

And eventually, many husbands come to realize that they were looking for something that no one else could provide for them but themselves. In other words, a relationship, a woman, and a fantasy can not restore their self esteem, relieve their boredom or restore their doubts in the long term. This is just something that they will have to provide for themselves. Many come to know this eventually.

And when they do, if you've conducted yourself with integrity and have not compromised on your ideals, you will appear much more attractive and be in a much better position. At that time, you can decide if this was a deal breaker for you or not, but at least you will be in a much better position to make this decision for yourself.

I was the cheated on, not the cheater in my relationship. So, I know exactly how the "cheated on" spouse feels. But, I also know that healing and moving on is possible. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/