"How Do I Get My Partner Back?" A Therapist"s Reflection On The Question, And The Road Thr
I was near the end of another therapy session with Marla, who had been dumped by her live-in partner of ten years, and was still trying to make sense of the loss of her relationship with the "love of her life". What had she done wrong? Why didn't he want her anymore? And, how could she get him back so she could have a happy life again?
We've all struggled with this pain at one point or another, and most of us end up lobbying with an Ex for another chance to be a loving couple again, often humiliating ourselves in the process, opening ourselves up repeatedly to painful rejections. Do you see yourself in this picture? I've been a marriage counselor, coach and consultant in private practice for many years, and even so, sadly, I saw myself in Marla as well.
Many years ago I had a wildly passionate live-in relationship with a guy who ultimately left to revisit an ex-wife during a crisis with their daughter. He didn't explain much or give me any reassurance to sit tight. I "ended" our relationship, realizing he couldn't share with me. I thought I grieved well enough, lost lots of weight, hid out, cried, and supposedly moved on. But then he came back flirtatiously "just for a drink" again and again. I'd see him, we'd "reconnect", my heart would burst open, he would distance himself, and then he'd disappear until the next time. This went on for many years while I wrestled with the agonizing question of why he'd leave, and what did I need to change about myself to get him to love me more and stay?
The Story I told myself was that he needed time to work things out in his life, that I was too sad or pathetic or unexciting, that if I got thinner or funnier or lighter, he'd stay because we were meant to be together - we were soulmates. It was a Story of Tragic Love, and it kept me hoping, bargaining, and in limbo for many years. In my Story, as with my client Marla's, I elevated Him to a mythic stature, and cast myself as inadequate, as women often do.
The day my life changed was the day I changed The Story. It occurred to me that his relentless reconnection with me regardless of my circumstances was not about love, but a story about ego, selfishness and lust, and that my participation was about a lack of self love, and an avoidance of the realities of my life. I have been free of Him and my delusions about our relationship ever since. It has freed me to build my marriage and my relationships upon honesty. Hopefully, you can do the same.
If you too, have been grieving for a lost partner, be your own therapist and ask yourself some vital questions:
1. Why do you want your partner back, and what do you believe that will do for you?
2. What Story have you given to explain your circumstances?
3. What motivation have you given your Ex's behavior, and how do you judge it?
4. Have you romanticized your Ex or cast yourself as helpless in this?
5. What other Story might explain the situation?
As you examine these things, you may find other explanations for the situation which do not overvalue your ex-partner, or demean you. As you explore your role in this, it may help you better understand what you really need, and hopefully free you up to move on, and build your relationships upon solid ground. If not, you may need to seek professional help to deal with your loss.
We've all struggled with this pain at one point or another, and most of us end up lobbying with an Ex for another chance to be a loving couple again, often humiliating ourselves in the process, opening ourselves up repeatedly to painful rejections. Do you see yourself in this picture? I've been a marriage counselor, coach and consultant in private practice for many years, and even so, sadly, I saw myself in Marla as well.
Many years ago I had a wildly passionate live-in relationship with a guy who ultimately left to revisit an ex-wife during a crisis with their daughter. He didn't explain much or give me any reassurance to sit tight. I "ended" our relationship, realizing he couldn't share with me. I thought I grieved well enough, lost lots of weight, hid out, cried, and supposedly moved on. But then he came back flirtatiously "just for a drink" again and again. I'd see him, we'd "reconnect", my heart would burst open, he would distance himself, and then he'd disappear until the next time. This went on for many years while I wrestled with the agonizing question of why he'd leave, and what did I need to change about myself to get him to love me more and stay?
The Story I told myself was that he needed time to work things out in his life, that I was too sad or pathetic or unexciting, that if I got thinner or funnier or lighter, he'd stay because we were meant to be together - we were soulmates. It was a Story of Tragic Love, and it kept me hoping, bargaining, and in limbo for many years. In my Story, as with my client Marla's, I elevated Him to a mythic stature, and cast myself as inadequate, as women often do.
The day my life changed was the day I changed The Story. It occurred to me that his relentless reconnection with me regardless of my circumstances was not about love, but a story about ego, selfishness and lust, and that my participation was about a lack of self love, and an avoidance of the realities of my life. I have been free of Him and my delusions about our relationship ever since. It has freed me to build my marriage and my relationships upon honesty. Hopefully, you can do the same.
If you too, have been grieving for a lost partner, be your own therapist and ask yourself some vital questions:
1. Why do you want your partner back, and what do you believe that will do for you?
2. What Story have you given to explain your circumstances?
3. What motivation have you given your Ex's behavior, and how do you judge it?
4. Have you romanticized your Ex or cast yourself as helpless in this?
5. What other Story might explain the situation?
As you examine these things, you may find other explanations for the situation which do not overvalue your ex-partner, or demean you. As you explore your role in this, it may help you better understand what you really need, and hopefully free you up to move on, and build your relationships upon solid ground. If not, you may need to seek professional help to deal with your loss.
