Marital Conflict - Principle One For Resolving Conflict in Marriage
What's the difference between good marriages and bad marriages? Several ways you could answer that, but one thing it's not.
It is not that bad marriages have a lot of conflicts while good marriages are fortunate enough to never have any.
After thirty years of marriage, I can tell you that all marriages have conflicts.
The difference is often that in good marriages the couples have found ways to successfully work through their conflicts, while for one reason or another the bad marriages haven't.
It's sad to me to see a couple enter into a conflict, be unable to resolve it and then decide to bail on the marriage.
It's sad because if the couple were able to work through the issue, I know that they could be stronger than before the conflict.
Ideally, when a marriage faces a challenge, both husband and wife learn, grow, and if necessary admit faults & makes corrections.
As a result the marriage bond tightens.
The couple is more confident in their relationship.
Since their marital conflict didn't destroy them, they are more assured that when future challenges come, they can work through those too.
In this series of articles, I'd like to share with you principles for handling any conflict.
Here's the first principle for dealing with any conflict: You've got to be honest with each other in a marriage.
And, very importantly, must do it in a respectful way.
In premarital counseling, I often say to couples, if something is bothering you in your marriage, you need to say something about it to your mate.
Go ahead and complain.
When you do, you're being honest with your mate.
Now, let say you don't complain.
What happens? Does what's bothering you just go away? Usually not.
Were not talking about minor things here.
If something is really bothering you, it's not going away.
It festers.
It grows.
It gnaws at you.
And then someday when you're really tired and fed up with everybody, you let your mate have it.
You finally tell them what's been bothering you.
But it comes out in a way that damages the marriage.
The principle here is to practice honesty is a respectful way.
And here's how you can be honest with your mate & complain, and still respectful at the same time.
Let's say a wife is neglected by her husband.
For whatever reasons, he's not as attentive to her as he used to be.
She's hurt, and rightly so.
What should she do? If she just holds it in and never says anything, over a period time it can lead to resentment and bitterness.
What she needs to do is to complain.
But how she does it is very important.
This is what she could say to her husband: When you don't take me anywhere, I feel like you take me for granted and that hurts me.
In saying it in that way, she's very honest, while at the same time respectful.
She isn't judging or attacking, she's honestly reporting how she's feeling.
In the next article, we will look at another principle for handing marriage conflict.
It is not that bad marriages have a lot of conflicts while good marriages are fortunate enough to never have any.
After thirty years of marriage, I can tell you that all marriages have conflicts.
The difference is often that in good marriages the couples have found ways to successfully work through their conflicts, while for one reason or another the bad marriages haven't.
It's sad to me to see a couple enter into a conflict, be unable to resolve it and then decide to bail on the marriage.
It's sad because if the couple were able to work through the issue, I know that they could be stronger than before the conflict.
Ideally, when a marriage faces a challenge, both husband and wife learn, grow, and if necessary admit faults & makes corrections.
As a result the marriage bond tightens.
The couple is more confident in their relationship.
Since their marital conflict didn't destroy them, they are more assured that when future challenges come, they can work through those too.
In this series of articles, I'd like to share with you principles for handling any conflict.
Here's the first principle for dealing with any conflict: You've got to be honest with each other in a marriage.
And, very importantly, must do it in a respectful way.
In premarital counseling, I often say to couples, if something is bothering you in your marriage, you need to say something about it to your mate.
Go ahead and complain.
When you do, you're being honest with your mate.
Now, let say you don't complain.
What happens? Does what's bothering you just go away? Usually not.
Were not talking about minor things here.
If something is really bothering you, it's not going away.
It festers.
It grows.
It gnaws at you.
And then someday when you're really tired and fed up with everybody, you let your mate have it.
You finally tell them what's been bothering you.
But it comes out in a way that damages the marriage.
The principle here is to practice honesty is a respectful way.
And here's how you can be honest with your mate & complain, and still respectful at the same time.
Let's say a wife is neglected by her husband.
For whatever reasons, he's not as attentive to her as he used to be.
She's hurt, and rightly so.
What should she do? If she just holds it in and never says anything, over a period time it can lead to resentment and bitterness.
What she needs to do is to complain.
But how she does it is very important.
This is what she could say to her husband: When you don't take me anywhere, I feel like you take me for granted and that hurts me.
In saying it in that way, she's very honest, while at the same time respectful.
She isn't judging or attacking, she's honestly reporting how she's feeling.
In the next article, we will look at another principle for handing marriage conflict.
