If there's ever a time to focus in on your marriage, it’s when you are expecting a baby.  It is a well-known fact that marital satisfaction decreases after the birth of the first child. It is naturally a tough adjustment. You may understand in a logical way what is going to change, but it seems nothing can actually prepare you for the reality. Once you bring a baby into your lives, some of these not-so-obvious situations will most likely affect your marriage.

 

Clashing Cultures

"Babies can bring out the best and the worst in parents," says Leigh Anne O'Conner, a certified lactation consultant and parenting expert in New York City. She frequently works with new parents and notes that cultural differences in raising children can sometimes cause the most tension for a couple. For example, O’Conner recalls, "The custom in many Asian cultures is for the new mom to have a confinement period where she stays home and in some cases does not bathe for up to 40 days. These moms have strict diets. I have seen many of these moms sneak foods that are taboo or take a quick shower when her own mom has gone out to the store. In the best scenarios the parent whose own parent is enforcing their cultural rules takes a stand to protect his or her new family has the best balance."

Serious Self Doubt  

Lisa M. Ryan, a Licensed Professional Counselor in Connecticut, specializing in relationship issues, reports that her clients are "some of the most well educated and highly compensated people in the nation, yet when the new baby arrives, the belief in their abilities evaporates overnight.

There is nothing like a new baby to teach a person that control is just an illusion. The forty books they have read on parenting can't help quiet a crying infant. They feel inept, unqualified, and way out of their comfort zone." She further explains that married spouses find it very difficult to meet each others' needs in the midst of this change. "A new baby is the new head of household," Ryan warns.

Trauma Triggers

New parents may come to the realization that their own parents were not perfect or did not create a safe environment for them while caring for their new baby.  "A baby can trigger attachment wounds or unmet needs in one or both parents," according to Denise Onofrey, a Colorado therapist specializing in relationships. Onofrey notes that "a spouse may be triggered by how well they think their partner is meeting the baby's needs" and it may really be about one's own unmet need. She suggests "using deliberate language so when the baby is maxing you both out you have a common language and meaning in place. You many think that what you are doing meets your partner's needs for emotional connection, intimacy or responsiveness but it may not be." A signal might be "You are fighting about the socks on the floor or suddenly having temper tantrums when the real issue resides much deeper," Onofrey adds. She notes that feelings that arise in dealing with a new baby are often uncharted territory that can be intense. 

Boundary Blowups

One of the more notable changes, according to Lisa Bahar, a California based Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, concerns extended family, and in-laws in particular. "Many new mothers, tend to become more agitated and short tempered when the in-laws start making suggestions of what to eat, how to decorate or baby knowledge." She states that "Sometimes new mothers are more sensitive to these suggestions that are perhaps intended to help. However, the new mother feels like she appears to not know what she's doing." The mom may start to complain to her husband about his parents and neither know how to handle it. Discussion about the roles of extended family and what  level of involvement they will have is critical. These discussions should even be had during pregnancy.

Spousal Spurning

Julia Wang, Site Director of the popular website, TheBump.com, notices several changes in the way married couples interact after having their first child.  One change is that couples start to keep score.  She notes, "Instead of bonding together over parenting, you suddenly feel like you are in a competition. You find yourselves snapping at each other about who’s working harder, who has it rougher, and whose ’turn’ it is." She suggests making a master list of all the tasks that come with parenting and keeping the house. "Together, work by dividing the list equally in half, so that one spouse doesn't feel more burdened than the other. Also, stop keeping count!" She also believes that spouses stop being polite to each other. "Stress, frustration, and lack of sleep may leave you two barking orders at each other without so much as a 'please' or 'thank you.' You’re so busy with the baby that you have little to no interest in how you come off to each other. If you feel ready to bicker about something, try to think about how you would have reacted pre-baby." She also cautions that sleep deprivation keeps you both on edge and even the minor things with your partner can start to drive you nuts.  

Keep these things in mind before you bring that baby home!  Have a plan to deal with these and other flare-ups that can make this stressful time even worse.  Remember, these are normal reactions that many couples have, and don’t take them personally.  Recognize them and find a way to work out the new stressors together.  Keep your eye on this and your time with your new miracle will be more enjoyable for you both.