I find, (from personal experience and from the emails that I get from readers), that of all of the things that a spouse could focus on when they find out or suspect that their partner is cheating, sex is almost always the thing that is focused on the most.  Most people want to know what the sex was like, how it differed from intimacy with them, and if their spouse enjoyed it more. 

Wanting to know these things is understandable, but it's very important to realize that the answers to these questions really don't help you heal and will only paint a negative picture that's going to be very hard to get out of your head.  Additionally, it's a fact that very often, affairs have less to do with sex than you may think.  It's often much more effective to focus on other aspects of the affair, as other things contributed more to it and fixing these things will help you (and your marriage) much more. I'll explain what I mean by this in the following article.

Cheating Is Often About Much More Than Sex: These a perception that affairs are filled with sleazy, hot sex that the cheater couldn't get at home.  While the sex in an affair can be different for many reasons, the sex is often not the cornerstone of why the cheating happened.  In fact, many spouses who cheat often have very fulling or at least regular intimacy at home. 

Often, cheating is really about attention and feeling competent and unique. So many men tell me that what was so attractive about the mistress was not how she looked or even the spark between them.  (So often the other woman is not even as attractive as the wife.) It was that she looked at him with adoring eyes, listened intently, laughed at his jokes (which the wife has heard a million times), and that he felt connected to her for some reason.  In short, the other woman is very "into him" and this feels good.  Because the wife has responsibilities and distractions at home, it can feel that his wife isn't as "into him" in the same way.

So many affairs happen at work because the close quarters and the "team work" atmosphere that is encouraged contributes to boundaries being blurred.  Very few men intend to cheat at work.  They aren't looking for this and aren't caught off guard when it happens.  They usually go into the relationship for innocent and valid reasons, but over time they find that the person at work is meeting emotional needs, is showing attention, and is making them feel valued and understood.  He is sharing common tasks with her and this evolves into a more emotional realm.  

If you read the emails that I get from men, you'd see that almost all of them spend more time describing the emotional connection rather than the physical one.  I have absolutely no doubt that the majority of men cheat more for emotional reasons than physical ones.  Yes, the sex is a bonus and they aren't going to turn it down.  It's exciting and new.  This can't be denied.  But, the sex is often perceived as better not because of what she does or doesn't do, but because he perceives that she's really into him and he's not feeling this at home.   

What To Focus On (Besides Sex) If You Want To Save Your Marriage After An Affair:  I've already alluded to the fact that wives (and husbands too) who have been cheated on can become obsessed about the sex in the affair.  This is completely understandable, but I hope that I've shown you that there is so much more to an affair.  And, there's so much more that you will need to address when you move forward to save your marriage. 

So many spouses who have been cheated on feel that they need to swing from the chandeliers or do things that make them uncomfortable to get the spark back.  This just isn't true.  What your spouse wants more than anything is to feel that you understand, appreciate and desire them.  A wife who initiates sex and then enjoys it is going to be so much more attractive than one who is putting on a show and doing something that isn't typical. 

Before you even worry about intimacy, you first have to reestablish the emotional connection.  You need to feel heard, understood, and appreciated every bit as much as your spouse does.  You need to figure out what vulnerabilities lead up to the affair and then fix them so that you are secure that you won't have to deal with this again.  And, you need the time, distance and accountability to begin to rebuild the trust.  Then, it's important to start focusing on created a new, better reality that you can both be excited about.

 But once these things are behind you, know that reestablishing the emotional connection will go a long way toward reestablishing the physical one. You don't have to participate in things that make you feel uncomfortable or you don't want to do.  Your spouse is going to know that you are faking.  It's better to get to a place where you can freely and comfortably engage in something that you are enthusiastic about and genuinely find enjoyable.  This will be more fulfilling and exciting to your partner than anything else.

I know that working through this is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/