Saving a Marriage - Conflict Is An Opportunity
One thing almost no one knows about saving a marriage, is that conflict is good for your relationship.
The one lesson I wish I had learned years ago is that conflict is an opportunity.
It is one of the few ways to resolve differences, change people's hearts rather than their circumstances, and bring two people closer together than they were before.
Many people see conflict as something to avoid at all costs.
Others are constantly engaging in conflict because they feel they must look out for number one and don't know how to resolve conflict without a full blown battle.
Sometimes, depending on the situation, you may avoid a fight; while at other times, you attack before you even have time to think about it.
There are usually two types of responses to conflict, fight or flight.
But a third response is possible and it is the only proper response to bring resolution to your problems.
I'll talk about FIGHT first.
When offended, a person may yell, curse, throw things, hit, or any number of reactions that express anger in a violent way.
These actions may be strictly verbal, physical, or both.
This is PEACE BREAKING.
Here's an example.
Suppose I asked my husband to stop at the grocery store on his way home from work to pick up a few groceries.
He forgets! I greet him at the door and discover him empty-handed.
If fighting were my typical response, I would nag him about forgetting and accuse him of not caring about me.
This would be a verbal attack, which is just one way of fighting.
This is PEACE BREAKING.
Now for the second response: FLIGHT.
When offended, a person may give the silent treatment, pretend there is no problem, act as if the relationship is perfectly OK, tell others about the offense but not discuss with the offender, turn to alcohol, drugs, pornography or any other addictive or mind numbing substance or activity.
This is PEACE FAKING.
For example, if I'm upset with my husband and I emotionally withdraw, he doesn't have a clue why, but he will recognize my distance and his thoughts will begin to ponder "what's wrong here?" If he is a PEACE FAKER, he will emotionally withdraw from me in return, and in time, with several small "incidents" between us, we begin to complain to others, spend more time alone, or worse yet, start spending time with a person of the opposite sex that seems to "understand" us so much better.
You get the picture.
But the third example is that of PEACE MAKING.
This is the only response that will resolve an issue because it requires both parties to acknowledge that something is wrong.
Both people will have an opportunity to express their side of the story and then each person will be able to look at the situation from another perspective.
When you can disagree without insisting on getting your own way and give consideration to the other person's feelings, you'll be on the path of a PEACE MAKER! If saving a marriage is your goal, use your differences as the springboard to peacemaking.
The one lesson I wish I had learned years ago is that conflict is an opportunity.
It is one of the few ways to resolve differences, change people's hearts rather than their circumstances, and bring two people closer together than they were before.
Many people see conflict as something to avoid at all costs.
Others are constantly engaging in conflict because they feel they must look out for number one and don't know how to resolve conflict without a full blown battle.
Sometimes, depending on the situation, you may avoid a fight; while at other times, you attack before you even have time to think about it.
There are usually two types of responses to conflict, fight or flight.
But a third response is possible and it is the only proper response to bring resolution to your problems.
I'll talk about FIGHT first.
When offended, a person may yell, curse, throw things, hit, or any number of reactions that express anger in a violent way.
These actions may be strictly verbal, physical, or both.
This is PEACE BREAKING.
Here's an example.
Suppose I asked my husband to stop at the grocery store on his way home from work to pick up a few groceries.
He forgets! I greet him at the door and discover him empty-handed.
If fighting were my typical response, I would nag him about forgetting and accuse him of not caring about me.
This would be a verbal attack, which is just one way of fighting.
This is PEACE BREAKING.
Now for the second response: FLIGHT.
When offended, a person may give the silent treatment, pretend there is no problem, act as if the relationship is perfectly OK, tell others about the offense but not discuss with the offender, turn to alcohol, drugs, pornography or any other addictive or mind numbing substance or activity.
This is PEACE FAKING.
For example, if I'm upset with my husband and I emotionally withdraw, he doesn't have a clue why, but he will recognize my distance and his thoughts will begin to ponder "what's wrong here?" If he is a PEACE FAKER, he will emotionally withdraw from me in return, and in time, with several small "incidents" between us, we begin to complain to others, spend more time alone, or worse yet, start spending time with a person of the opposite sex that seems to "understand" us so much better.
You get the picture.
But the third example is that of PEACE MAKING.
This is the only response that will resolve an issue because it requires both parties to acknowledge that something is wrong.
Both people will have an opportunity to express their side of the story and then each person will be able to look at the situation from another perspective.
When you can disagree without insisting on getting your own way and give consideration to the other person's feelings, you'll be on the path of a PEACE MAKER! If saving a marriage is your goal, use your differences as the springboard to peacemaking.
