Trust In Relationships: Is It All In Your Head?
Dating someone can turn out to be a lot like a political campaign.
Many promises are made, and both sides walk a thin line between real sincerity and fluffy sweet-talking.
We want to make the other person feel as good as possible, so that in turn, they will give us what we want and need.
There's nothing really wrong with that.
We've all been in that position, the one where we obsess over presenting ourselves in the best light we can.
This seemingly innocent trend of embellishing our skills and qualities (just a little) tends to be an accepted practice.
Even when we realize the other person is doing it, we let it slide, because we do it ourselves.
However, are we unwittingly falling into a perilous trap by doing that? Let's look at where to draw the line.
There is the realm where you are seen in your best light - perhaps your worst features are downplayed, yes, but you're still being you.
Bordering that realm (by a very thin line, unfortunately) is the realm of making up a personality that doesn't really exist.
Why is it important not to step over that line? Why can't we have our little exaggerations, if it helps us keep the person we love? Any relationship, especially a love relationship, is only as strong as the foundation it is built on.
The relationship will grow taller and stronger if there is a solid foundation of trust.
We begin to trust each other only after we perceive the other's integrity (honesty), which means that there are limits to how far you can go stretching the truth when you represent yourself, and the qualities you say you possess.
If you go overboard with embellishment and exaggeration, you run the very high risk of eventually being found out.
Your integrity is immediately compromised, and the foundation of the relationship starts to lose chunks of its trust.
Imagine your love as a skyscraper: can it continue to stand if it's balancing on top of a pencil? Also, when you lose integrity, you begin to be perceived as someone who was never really interested in being honest and open with the other.
Suddenly, what you thought as innocent "white lies" become the other person's idea of you not being in love at all! "So what?" you might say.
"I just won't get found out.
" Go back to the political campaign analogy.
Isn't that what politicians says to themselves? And don't they always get found out? The issue is that when you promise to deliver on something very important - like intimacy, reliability, trust, acceptance, communication, or anything else essential to healthy relationships - they are relying on you to deliver.
And, just like politicians failing to deliver more jobs, or less budget cuts, you failing to deliver a skill or emotion that you promised will land you in hot water.
If too many exaggerations rack up, the situation might escalate into the next stage: That person that you promised to nurture is going to feel betrayed, swindled, and mislead.
We've seen this same scene play out over and over again - it is the ever-occurring frustrated love script.
The script includes a jilted lover, a keen sense of betrayal, and extremely strong feelings of hatred and vengeance.
When the carefully constructed mask falls away (especially if the real person behind it is the opposite), the frustrated lover demands a show of real integrity.
"Admit that you cheated me with lies; if you truly love me, take responsibility for making me believe a fantasy.
Apologize!" Yet, most people can probably see that an apology isn't really going to cut it.
What does the frustrated lover really need in a situation like this? Often, it isn't really about the mask-person that they lost.
They don't want you to be "exaggeration A" or "embellishment B" in real life.
They want an indication that you see their pain and their frustration, and understand why those emotions exist.
A frustrated lover wants to feel that you regret inflicting pain, and really do care about making a relationship work.
"Come on," you might say.
"You want me to kneel before them and ask for absolution? I was trying to make them happy.
" This is where the whole situation turns on a dime and becomes complicated.
There is no longer a clear path through the he-said, she-said; suddenly, anger, contempt, lies, and frustrations cloud both your judgments, twisting you deeper into mistrust, instead of unraveling it.
This happens because the brain possesses a few automatic functions that go off during situations like this.
These functions can make or break the foundation of the relationship itself, and it's important to learn how.
We feel fairly treated when things are either A) going well, or B) when we've been deceived but properly apologized to.
Many studies suggest that people report higher levels of trust and cooperation when they experience fair exchanges.
What happens in your brain when you say "I'm treated fairly"? Your brain activates dopamine cells as a reward.
Dopamine (yes, it starts with "dope" for a reason) leaches into your system and gives you that warm, fuzzy, "I'm in love" feeling.
The more dopamine there is in your system (i.
e.
, the longer fairness stays the rule), the more open and willing you are to commit, the more trust in relationships is built.
The perception of injustice (wrong done without a proper apology) sets off a different function, and it's not as fun as dopamine.
The injustice is perceived as a threat to the body's well-being - not surprisingly, it is processed in the same part of the brain that deals with feelings of contempt.
Because the brain processes injustice and contempt together in the same place, what often results after a lover's frustration are intense (sometimes violent) outbursts of contempt, rage, and vengeance.
Each individual reaction will be slightly different, but if you have set off your partner's injustice radar, get ready for conflict.
Keep in mind the dopamine - the sooner you accept responsibility for a lie, the sooner your partner will feel that they are being fairly treated, and ready to communicate calmly once again.
Many promises are made, and both sides walk a thin line between real sincerity and fluffy sweet-talking.
We want to make the other person feel as good as possible, so that in turn, they will give us what we want and need.
There's nothing really wrong with that.
We've all been in that position, the one where we obsess over presenting ourselves in the best light we can.
This seemingly innocent trend of embellishing our skills and qualities (just a little) tends to be an accepted practice.
Even when we realize the other person is doing it, we let it slide, because we do it ourselves.
However, are we unwittingly falling into a perilous trap by doing that? Let's look at where to draw the line.
There is the realm where you are seen in your best light - perhaps your worst features are downplayed, yes, but you're still being you.
Bordering that realm (by a very thin line, unfortunately) is the realm of making up a personality that doesn't really exist.
Why is it important not to step over that line? Why can't we have our little exaggerations, if it helps us keep the person we love? Any relationship, especially a love relationship, is only as strong as the foundation it is built on.
The relationship will grow taller and stronger if there is a solid foundation of trust.
We begin to trust each other only after we perceive the other's integrity (honesty), which means that there are limits to how far you can go stretching the truth when you represent yourself, and the qualities you say you possess.
If you go overboard with embellishment and exaggeration, you run the very high risk of eventually being found out.
Your integrity is immediately compromised, and the foundation of the relationship starts to lose chunks of its trust.
Imagine your love as a skyscraper: can it continue to stand if it's balancing on top of a pencil? Also, when you lose integrity, you begin to be perceived as someone who was never really interested in being honest and open with the other.
Suddenly, what you thought as innocent "white lies" become the other person's idea of you not being in love at all! "So what?" you might say.
"I just won't get found out.
" Go back to the political campaign analogy.
Isn't that what politicians says to themselves? And don't they always get found out? The issue is that when you promise to deliver on something very important - like intimacy, reliability, trust, acceptance, communication, or anything else essential to healthy relationships - they are relying on you to deliver.
And, just like politicians failing to deliver more jobs, or less budget cuts, you failing to deliver a skill or emotion that you promised will land you in hot water.
If too many exaggerations rack up, the situation might escalate into the next stage: That person that you promised to nurture is going to feel betrayed, swindled, and mislead.
We've seen this same scene play out over and over again - it is the ever-occurring frustrated love script.
The script includes a jilted lover, a keen sense of betrayal, and extremely strong feelings of hatred and vengeance.
When the carefully constructed mask falls away (especially if the real person behind it is the opposite), the frustrated lover demands a show of real integrity.
"Admit that you cheated me with lies; if you truly love me, take responsibility for making me believe a fantasy.
Apologize!" Yet, most people can probably see that an apology isn't really going to cut it.
What does the frustrated lover really need in a situation like this? Often, it isn't really about the mask-person that they lost.
They don't want you to be "exaggeration A" or "embellishment B" in real life.
They want an indication that you see their pain and their frustration, and understand why those emotions exist.
A frustrated lover wants to feel that you regret inflicting pain, and really do care about making a relationship work.
"Come on," you might say.
"You want me to kneel before them and ask for absolution? I was trying to make them happy.
" This is where the whole situation turns on a dime and becomes complicated.
There is no longer a clear path through the he-said, she-said; suddenly, anger, contempt, lies, and frustrations cloud both your judgments, twisting you deeper into mistrust, instead of unraveling it.
This happens because the brain possesses a few automatic functions that go off during situations like this.
These functions can make or break the foundation of the relationship itself, and it's important to learn how.
We feel fairly treated when things are either A) going well, or B) when we've been deceived but properly apologized to.
Many studies suggest that people report higher levels of trust and cooperation when they experience fair exchanges.
What happens in your brain when you say "I'm treated fairly"? Your brain activates dopamine cells as a reward.
Dopamine (yes, it starts with "dope" for a reason) leaches into your system and gives you that warm, fuzzy, "I'm in love" feeling.
The more dopamine there is in your system (i.
e.
, the longer fairness stays the rule), the more open and willing you are to commit, the more trust in relationships is built.
The perception of injustice (wrong done without a proper apology) sets off a different function, and it's not as fun as dopamine.
The injustice is perceived as a threat to the body's well-being - not surprisingly, it is processed in the same part of the brain that deals with feelings of contempt.
Because the brain processes injustice and contempt together in the same place, what often results after a lover's frustration are intense (sometimes violent) outbursts of contempt, rage, and vengeance.
Each individual reaction will be slightly different, but if you have set off your partner's injustice radar, get ready for conflict.
Keep in mind the dopamine - the sooner you accept responsibility for a lie, the sooner your partner will feel that they are being fairly treated, and ready to communicate calmly once again.
