Football season.
You love it.
She hates it.
From the NFL football pre-season launch in August through the Super Bowl in February, your TV becomes a battleground.
But it doesn't have to be that way.
Really, guys: it's not inevitable or irreversible or a matter of DNA.
Of course, like the whole Middle East thing, it takes a willingness to understand how the other guy (or woman) feels.
Have you done that lately? Do you know how to do it? Okay.
Let's start with this.
For many humans of the female persuasion (although not all), football was not on the learning agenda.
So if the female who holds your heart hostage is among the non-learners, be aware that, to her, football looks like the running of the bulls at Pamplona.
Only without the bulls.
It just doesn't make sense.
So of course she can't see what you see in it.
And .
.
.
well, we hate to say this, but maybe, when she's asked questions about the game (especially if she's asked when your favorite team is in the red zone, maybe even fourth and goal on the one), you may have been a tad dismissive.
Perhaps - perish the thought - even rude.
And - even if you remained calm, you may have used (gasp!) jargon.
Proving how smart you are.
But also .
.
.
how dumb she is.
So Rules Number One and Number Two are: be patient; lose the jargon.
Consider this: a little patience for the first couple of games you watch together could result in a lifetime of shared cheering.
As for the jargon, let's face it: if you called a Shotgun a Bullet Proof Vest, she wouldn't know the difference.
So who are you impressing? But even with the best of intentions, if football has become a thorny issue between you two, how do you even get her to sit down and watch? That's Rule Number Three.
Romance.
Romance and football? You bet, Tonto.
See, here's the thing.
For most women, the central issue isn't not understanding the game.
The central issue is that, from August NFL football pre-season through the February Super Bowl, for football game after ubiquitous football game - You Ignore Her! So what you do is (gulp!) apologize for your insensitivity.
Let her know that football is something you'd like to share with her (just as you want to share your whole life with her and yada yada yada).
Invite her to watch the game with you.
Yeah.
That's right: just like it was a date.
Present her with the gift of an NFL football jersey in her favorite color.
Suggest she wear it without .
.
.
well, without further sartorial accompaniment.
Because she's so beautiful and yada yada yada.
Buy champagne.
Set out those sexy little champagne flutes.
Prepare a repast (if you're into that sort of thing).
Or just get some Kentucky Fried.
Maybe send out for pizza.
But let the prep be all on you.
Sit close together after you've turned on the TV.
Laps are nice.
Now for Rule Number Four: Explain the Game.
Simply.
Without jargon (see Rule Number Two).
She's not coaching the game, remember.
So the team you know to be on offence is more clearly described as the team trying to get the ball across the goal line in order to score points.
Point to the TV and show her the goal line.
The defense is, simply put, the guys trying to stop them.
First down just means they've moved the ball at least ten yards (point to the TV and show her the yard markers).
And - since it really is one of the keys to understanding the game - give her a brief idea of what field position means as it pertains to the choices a team might make in deciding to kick the ball or to cover the remainder of the required ten yards.
Use actual examples as the game progresses.
Remember to point to the TV screen.
Explain how points are scored.
That's all she needs to know.
For now.
So as she sits on your lap sipping champagne in nothing more than an NFL jersey (not bad rules so far, eh?), you launch Rule Number Five: Betting.
You heard us right.
Rule Number Five is Betting.
Let her pick a team.
Don't be judgmental.
If she picks the team that's wearing her favorite color, let her know that's a great choice.
In fact, whatever she chooses is a great choice.
Why not? Point is, this whole betting thing can be used as a great tutorial.
Among other things.
Depending on what you wager.
So let's say you bet that her team will score the most points in the first quarter.
See how this helps you explain what a first quarter is, and what scoring is? All because now she has some skin in the game.
Which may be a tip off as to possible wagering tactics.
Hey, compadre, play this right, and you may never invite your friends over for a football game again.
Ever.