5 Secrets to Getting the Most Out of Your Relationship Fights
All couples disagree as a necessary way of establishing and maintaining relationship barriers.
You fight when you feel your partner is not treating you the way that they should or they are not giving you the respect that you deserve.
For most couples they are part and parcel of the relationship; with successful couples using the fights to learn about each other and to grow their relationship skills.
Couples in unhappy unions tend to get caught up in the fights and to never get through the issues.
An effective fight is one where both parties come out feeling that they were heard, that their partner empathised with what they felt and that there was a resolution of sorts to the issue.
So what are the secrets to fighting effectively? 1.
Know when to fight and when to run.
Have the wisdom to know when to fight and when to hold your horses.
Your fights should be about the relationship and not about things that are outside of your relationship.
If you have noticed that your partner comes in from work angry and frustrated then give them room to unwind.
Learn to gauge your partner's mood when they come in from stressful situations as this will help you avoid fights that are unnecessary and that have nothing to do with you or your relationship.
You want your relationship to be a safe place when the world has frazzled your partner and letting them have it because they are too stressed out to be as focused on you as you want is a recipe for disaster.
You have fought and angry words were exchanged but nothing was resolved as you have fought an unnecessary battle.
2.
Fight about an issue.
When you are fighting, do you know why you are fighting or did your partner start something that you jumped into without actually knowing what it was all about.
Or are you overly sensitive so that you perceive every honest criticism as a personal attack? Learn to not attack your partner but to instead focus your fight on the issue that is bothering you.
3.
Stay on the issue and in the present.
Fight about the issue at hand; do not start dredging up similar things that your partner did last month or last year etc.
Getting the most out your fights requires discipline to focus only on the issue and to let go of things that are in the past that you did not deal with.
I agree, sometimes you will want to feel more righteous by bringing up all your partner's past errors and while this may let you feel superior for a short time it will leave your partner feeling that they can never please you and since you have brought up so many issues there is no way to resolve the conflict.
You have fought but nothing was resolved; an ineffective fight.
4.
Learn to hear your partner.
Sometimes emotions cloud a fight so that we don't really hear what the other is saying as all we focus on is saying our bit.
You need to hear what your partner is saying so that the fight can be resolved effectively.
Sometimes saying aloud what you think your partner is saying will help you to know whether you have really heard them.
This also ensures that you both have a common understanding of what the issue really is and the specific things that are bothering each of you.
5.
Resolve your fight.
To resolve the fight you need to first empathize with each other.
Don't negate or diminish what your partner is saying as this shows a total disrespect for who they are.
Their feelings are as valid as your own and they need to know that you acknowledge that.
Again verbalizing what you think they want you to do or what you want to see changed can help resolve your fight.
If you follow the 5 secrets given then you will improve the outcome of your fights so that you both come out from them with a specific resolve or change in your relationship that allows both of you to grow and to keep redefining your relationship boundaries.
You fight when you feel your partner is not treating you the way that they should or they are not giving you the respect that you deserve.
For most couples they are part and parcel of the relationship; with successful couples using the fights to learn about each other and to grow their relationship skills.
Couples in unhappy unions tend to get caught up in the fights and to never get through the issues.
An effective fight is one where both parties come out feeling that they were heard, that their partner empathised with what they felt and that there was a resolution of sorts to the issue.
So what are the secrets to fighting effectively? 1.
Know when to fight and when to run.
Have the wisdom to know when to fight and when to hold your horses.
Your fights should be about the relationship and not about things that are outside of your relationship.
If you have noticed that your partner comes in from work angry and frustrated then give them room to unwind.
Learn to gauge your partner's mood when they come in from stressful situations as this will help you avoid fights that are unnecessary and that have nothing to do with you or your relationship.
You want your relationship to be a safe place when the world has frazzled your partner and letting them have it because they are too stressed out to be as focused on you as you want is a recipe for disaster.
You have fought and angry words were exchanged but nothing was resolved as you have fought an unnecessary battle.
2.
Fight about an issue.
When you are fighting, do you know why you are fighting or did your partner start something that you jumped into without actually knowing what it was all about.
Or are you overly sensitive so that you perceive every honest criticism as a personal attack? Learn to not attack your partner but to instead focus your fight on the issue that is bothering you.
3.
Stay on the issue and in the present.
Fight about the issue at hand; do not start dredging up similar things that your partner did last month or last year etc.
Getting the most out your fights requires discipline to focus only on the issue and to let go of things that are in the past that you did not deal with.
I agree, sometimes you will want to feel more righteous by bringing up all your partner's past errors and while this may let you feel superior for a short time it will leave your partner feeling that they can never please you and since you have brought up so many issues there is no way to resolve the conflict.
You have fought but nothing was resolved; an ineffective fight.
4.
Learn to hear your partner.
Sometimes emotions cloud a fight so that we don't really hear what the other is saying as all we focus on is saying our bit.
You need to hear what your partner is saying so that the fight can be resolved effectively.
Sometimes saying aloud what you think your partner is saying will help you to know whether you have really heard them.
This also ensures that you both have a common understanding of what the issue really is and the specific things that are bothering each of you.
5.
Resolve your fight.
To resolve the fight you need to first empathize with each other.
Don't negate or diminish what your partner is saying as this shows a total disrespect for who they are.
Their feelings are as valid as your own and they need to know that you acknowledge that.
Again verbalizing what you think they want you to do or what you want to see changed can help resolve your fight.
If you follow the 5 secrets given then you will improve the outcome of your fights so that you both come out from them with a specific resolve or change in your relationship that allows both of you to grow and to keep redefining your relationship boundaries.
