Overcoming Low Self Esteem - How Counselling Can Help Women Develop More Balanced Self Confidence
Our beliefs about ourselves affect our feelings on a day-to-day basis, change how we view life, and can distort our behaviour toward others.
Many women recognise that low self-esteem limits their potential, stops them doing the things th enjoy, and causes problems in significant areas of their lives.
One way of looking at low self-esteem is that it is a form of prejudice we hold against ourselves.
Most of us like to think that we don't hold prejudices against other people.
However, we may not realise that we are holding onto a persistently critical 'inner picture' of ourselves, a picture which is so distorted that it is, in fact, a form of prejudice; an insidious prejudice that we are harbouring against ourselves.
Again, most of us can plainly see when unkind treatment is harmful or undermining for someone else.
Many of us would step in to defend a person we thought was being treated unfairly...
at the very least, we would recognise unfair treatment.
When it comes to understanding how we treat ourselves, however, our ability to distinguish between fair and unfair attitudes sometimes just doesn't work as it should.
We don't defend ourselves against persistent, unfair, undermining criticism when it comes from somewhere inside us! The signs of low self esteem in women - low self confidence can show itself in some or all of these situations:
) Some less obvious symptoms or signs of low self confidence: Most women with low self esteem usually take it out on themselves.
However, some women have told us about some of the less obvious signs of low self esteem: being frequently (or exaggeratedly) negative about other people.
Groucho Marx's joke about: 'Who would want to join a club that allowed me in?' (or something like that!) unwittingly makes a valid point; some people automatically think less of anyone who shows they like them.
Persistent mistrust of honest people, unreasonably high expectations, fault-finding, micro-managing, setting 'tests' for how much people care, and being unable to forgive can all be some of the less obvious signs of low self esteem.
Some even less obvious signs of low self-esteem: This is usually more obvious and easy to spot in men, but women also can try to 'puff themselves up' to make themselves feel bigger because of an underlying unease about their real value as a person, and because of uncertainties about how important they are to others.
Needing to be 'right' all the time, showing-off with the latest designer-labels, and gossiping or bitching about other women can stem from an underlying low sense of intrinsic worth 'in ourselves', or from an exaggerated concern about our worth in the eyes of other people.
The behaviour caused by a low self image can also vary a lot from person to person.
For example, some women say that having a poor self-image, or low self-confidence causes them to take ill-considered risks (such as drinking too much in public places) while others say they avoid necessary risks to such an extent that they daren't try anything new (such as meeting new people or going after a better job) even if they really would like to.
This can lead to loneliness and frustration.
Some women apologise too often, while some women blame other people too much.
Some women neglect their appearance, other women spend all their time and money on beauty-treatments and clothes.
Of course, these habits can all be caused by different things, but a low self-image can be the cause of widely divergent unhelpful and self-sabotaging behaviour.
Close relationships can be affected by low self-confidence.
Many women find themselves focusing too much on their partners, perhaps by compulsively picking arguments, checking on their whereabouts, expressing frequent irrational jealousy of a trustworthy partner, being over-solicitous, or by being 'clingy.
' House-work and habits in the work-place can also show imbalanced behaviour stemming from deep insecurities.
Some women over-focus on producing the perfect home, or neglect their homes because they feel that an uncomfortable environment is all they deserve.
Some women push themselves to work punishing schedules, or allow people to treat them badly at work (for example by dangling promotion that never materialises.
) Low self esteem can create a vicious cycle - our negative beliefs about ourselves and our lives can become a 'self-fulfilling prophesy.
' Behaviour we adopt to compensate for our low estimation of ourselves has a way of creating the opposite of what we really want and need; it can alienate well-meaning people and can even attract difficult people who will misuse or abuse.
Social isolation or even feeling trapped in an abusive relationship can result.
Women can find themselves looking at a life that reflects back to them only an impoverished, unattractive and distorted picture of themselves.
This further increases their low self esteem.
Before things get any worse it can be crucial to break the 'vicious cycle.
' This is where talking to the right sort of counsellor or psychotherapist can really help.
Expert counselling and psychotherapy can help women (who really want to) to learn how to overcome their low opinion of themselves and live a more fulfilling life.
Counselling can help people to change unhelpful beliefs about themselves, and change their unconfident self-limiting behaviour.
Changing unfair critical views we hold about ourselves into something more balanced and encouraging is something that really can be done.
We can develop more inspiring and realistic beliefs about our own capabilities and about the potential our lives could hold for us.
Relationships can have more of a chance to develop and stay strong, and careers, social-lives and interests have a better chance of taking off.
The study of low self esteem in women has a short but powerful history.
Over the last twenty to twenty-five years Counsellors, Psychotherapists, Social-Workers, and Psychologists (many of them women) have studied the undermining effects of the 'persistent inner critic' and how it can become such a insidiously powerful force.
We have looked at how low self esteem develops, both from early experiences, and from more recent events.
We have also looked at how low self esteem can maintain itself by forming compensatory (often dysfunctional) 'rules' for how we should think and behave.
We have looked at how it can give rise to assumptions about what others will think about us, and how it can lead to distorted interpretations about what other peoples' behaviour towards us 'really means.
' This body of work has helped professional practitioners to form useful guidelines for helping women overcome low self confidence.
There are now a number of techniques and strategies which women can use to persuade their 'inner critic' to back off sufficiently for them to develop what some counsellors call 'Healthy Self Esteem'.
Some practitioners have worked intensively on this issue with a wide range of women.
As a result of this in-depth experience, it is now possible to see some of the patterns that have emerged in womens' lives.
Counsellors have learned a lot about how to set about improving womens' inner picture of themselves.
Experienced counsellors have also learned something else of importance.
Certain therapeutic techniques do not help women with low self-esteem, and can even make a low self image worse.
It isn't as simple as just 'thinking positively,' although this approach does sometimes help.
In fact, for some people, 'Positive-Thinking' techniques can be counter-productive.
A balanced approach, with achievable goals that slowly build into a more fulfilling experience of life is generally more successful, and more likely to be maintained over time.
A sensitive practitioner from any therapeutic background will have learned something about this over time.
There are three main therapeutic techniques which emphasise a balanced approach to self-esteem: Cognitive Therapy, Pellin Contribution-Training and Gestalt therapy.
Some practitioners combine two or three of these approaches, especially if they have trained in the 'Integrative Technique,' which offers a number of complimentary therapeutic models.
Skilled counsellors can help clients develop 'Healthy Self-Esteem' and learn new life-skills.
In working with low self-esteem, counsellors can help women to develop balanced and encouraging beliefs about themselves and their lives.
It is important to support women while they are in the process of forming new attitudes and behaviour, because this can be a testing time.
Practitioners can gently encourage their clients to try out new and different ways of doing things.
It can be very helpful to learn life-skills such as Assertiveness and Non-Violent Communication, which enable women to express themselves constructively.
Effective counselling can encourage clients to try out new beliefs and skills, with 'baby-steps' at first, and then in bigger ways in significant areas of their lives.
(In many ways 'Healthy Self Esteem' is more of a verb than a noun; our self esteem gets stronger through learning how to do things differently and through evaluating the results.
) Experienced counsellors are able to 'tune-in' to the unique factors that will help each individual woman find the most effective (and safest) ways of overcoming their low estimation of themselves.
This can free women to be more able to build lives that reflect back a truer picture of themselves, their talents and their desires.
How each of us developed low self esteem in the first place, how we learned to overcome it by developing Healthy Self Esteem, and who helped us along the way can be a fascinating story, and varies greatly from one woman to another.
For many women this story is just beginning.
Many women recognise that low self-esteem limits their potential, stops them doing the things th enjoy, and causes problems in significant areas of their lives.
One way of looking at low self-esteem is that it is a form of prejudice we hold against ourselves.
Most of us like to think that we don't hold prejudices against other people.
However, we may not realise that we are holding onto a persistently critical 'inner picture' of ourselves, a picture which is so distorted that it is, in fact, a form of prejudice; an insidious prejudice that we are harbouring against ourselves.
Again, most of us can plainly see when unkind treatment is harmful or undermining for someone else.
Many of us would step in to defend a person we thought was being treated unfairly...
at the very least, we would recognise unfair treatment.
When it comes to understanding how we treat ourselves, however, our ability to distinguish between fair and unfair attitudes sometimes just doesn't work as it should.
We don't defend ourselves against persistent, unfair, undermining criticism when it comes from somewhere inside us! The signs of low self esteem in women - low self confidence can show itself in some or all of these situations:
- feeling unconfident in social situations
- being passed-over for promotion at work
- not sticking at projects or studies
- not trying-out new hobbies, interests or sports
- creating frequent problems in close relationships
- accepting an uncomfortable home-life
- not looking after health
- spending unwisely on unnecessary items
- allowing abusive behaviour
) Some less obvious symptoms or signs of low self confidence: Most women with low self esteem usually take it out on themselves.
However, some women have told us about some of the less obvious signs of low self esteem: being frequently (or exaggeratedly) negative about other people.
Groucho Marx's joke about: 'Who would want to join a club that allowed me in?' (or something like that!) unwittingly makes a valid point; some people automatically think less of anyone who shows they like them.
Persistent mistrust of honest people, unreasonably high expectations, fault-finding, micro-managing, setting 'tests' for how much people care, and being unable to forgive can all be some of the less obvious signs of low self esteem.
Some even less obvious signs of low self-esteem: This is usually more obvious and easy to spot in men, but women also can try to 'puff themselves up' to make themselves feel bigger because of an underlying unease about their real value as a person, and because of uncertainties about how important they are to others.
Needing to be 'right' all the time, showing-off with the latest designer-labels, and gossiping or bitching about other women can stem from an underlying low sense of intrinsic worth 'in ourselves', or from an exaggerated concern about our worth in the eyes of other people.
The behaviour caused by a low self image can also vary a lot from person to person.
For example, some women say that having a poor self-image, or low self-confidence causes them to take ill-considered risks (such as drinking too much in public places) while others say they avoid necessary risks to such an extent that they daren't try anything new (such as meeting new people or going after a better job) even if they really would like to.
This can lead to loneliness and frustration.
Some women apologise too often, while some women blame other people too much.
Some women neglect their appearance, other women spend all their time and money on beauty-treatments and clothes.
Of course, these habits can all be caused by different things, but a low self-image can be the cause of widely divergent unhelpful and self-sabotaging behaviour.
Close relationships can be affected by low self-confidence.
Many women find themselves focusing too much on their partners, perhaps by compulsively picking arguments, checking on their whereabouts, expressing frequent irrational jealousy of a trustworthy partner, being over-solicitous, or by being 'clingy.
' House-work and habits in the work-place can also show imbalanced behaviour stemming from deep insecurities.
Some women over-focus on producing the perfect home, or neglect their homes because they feel that an uncomfortable environment is all they deserve.
Some women push themselves to work punishing schedules, or allow people to treat them badly at work (for example by dangling promotion that never materialises.
) Low self esteem can create a vicious cycle - our negative beliefs about ourselves and our lives can become a 'self-fulfilling prophesy.
' Behaviour we adopt to compensate for our low estimation of ourselves has a way of creating the opposite of what we really want and need; it can alienate well-meaning people and can even attract difficult people who will misuse or abuse.
Social isolation or even feeling trapped in an abusive relationship can result.
Women can find themselves looking at a life that reflects back to them only an impoverished, unattractive and distorted picture of themselves.
This further increases their low self esteem.
Before things get any worse it can be crucial to break the 'vicious cycle.
' This is where talking to the right sort of counsellor or psychotherapist can really help.
Expert counselling and psychotherapy can help women (who really want to) to learn how to overcome their low opinion of themselves and live a more fulfilling life.
Counselling can help people to change unhelpful beliefs about themselves, and change their unconfident self-limiting behaviour.
Changing unfair critical views we hold about ourselves into something more balanced and encouraging is something that really can be done.
We can develop more inspiring and realistic beliefs about our own capabilities and about the potential our lives could hold for us.
Relationships can have more of a chance to develop and stay strong, and careers, social-lives and interests have a better chance of taking off.
The study of low self esteem in women has a short but powerful history.
Over the last twenty to twenty-five years Counsellors, Psychotherapists, Social-Workers, and Psychologists (many of them women) have studied the undermining effects of the 'persistent inner critic' and how it can become such a insidiously powerful force.
We have looked at how low self esteem develops, both from early experiences, and from more recent events.
We have also looked at how low self esteem can maintain itself by forming compensatory (often dysfunctional) 'rules' for how we should think and behave.
We have looked at how it can give rise to assumptions about what others will think about us, and how it can lead to distorted interpretations about what other peoples' behaviour towards us 'really means.
' This body of work has helped professional practitioners to form useful guidelines for helping women overcome low self confidence.
There are now a number of techniques and strategies which women can use to persuade their 'inner critic' to back off sufficiently for them to develop what some counsellors call 'Healthy Self Esteem'.
Some practitioners have worked intensively on this issue with a wide range of women.
As a result of this in-depth experience, it is now possible to see some of the patterns that have emerged in womens' lives.
Counsellors have learned a lot about how to set about improving womens' inner picture of themselves.
Experienced counsellors have also learned something else of importance.
Certain therapeutic techniques do not help women with low self-esteem, and can even make a low self image worse.
It isn't as simple as just 'thinking positively,' although this approach does sometimes help.
In fact, for some people, 'Positive-Thinking' techniques can be counter-productive.
A balanced approach, with achievable goals that slowly build into a more fulfilling experience of life is generally more successful, and more likely to be maintained over time.
A sensitive practitioner from any therapeutic background will have learned something about this over time.
There are three main therapeutic techniques which emphasise a balanced approach to self-esteem: Cognitive Therapy, Pellin Contribution-Training and Gestalt therapy.
Some practitioners combine two or three of these approaches, especially if they have trained in the 'Integrative Technique,' which offers a number of complimentary therapeutic models.
Skilled counsellors can help clients develop 'Healthy Self-Esteem' and learn new life-skills.
In working with low self-esteem, counsellors can help women to develop balanced and encouraging beliefs about themselves and their lives.
It is important to support women while they are in the process of forming new attitudes and behaviour, because this can be a testing time.
Practitioners can gently encourage their clients to try out new and different ways of doing things.
It can be very helpful to learn life-skills such as Assertiveness and Non-Violent Communication, which enable women to express themselves constructively.
Effective counselling can encourage clients to try out new beliefs and skills, with 'baby-steps' at first, and then in bigger ways in significant areas of their lives.
(In many ways 'Healthy Self Esteem' is more of a verb than a noun; our self esteem gets stronger through learning how to do things differently and through evaluating the results.
) Experienced counsellors are able to 'tune-in' to the unique factors that will help each individual woman find the most effective (and safest) ways of overcoming their low estimation of themselves.
This can free women to be more able to build lives that reflect back a truer picture of themselves, their talents and their desires.
How each of us developed low self esteem in the first place, how we learned to overcome it by developing Healthy Self Esteem, and who helped us along the way can be a fascinating story, and varies greatly from one woman to another.
For many women this story is just beginning.
