No More Blame Game
"It is all her fault," he said to me, over and over.
"She was so horrible to me for so long that she drove me away.
It's all her fault.
" One night, at a dinner party, a friend of mine was telling me about his impending divorce.
He was very upset because he couldn't get past all of things that she had done to him.
"She totally marginalized me," he said.
"She would make daily decisions about the kids without me, she would plan our weekends without consulting me, when I got home from work she would barely look at me and whenever I did get the chance to do something for her she would berate me for doing it wrong.
If she hadn't behaved this way I wouldn't have left her.
" I hate to say it but this is a complaint that almost every man with whom I have spoken about marriage, married or divorced, has made.
That their wives sideline them in the family.
It makes them feel bad about themselves, which in turn makes them feel bad about their wives and their marriages.
I totally understand and empathize with men's feelings on this matter.
Many women do push their husbands to the sidelines as they try to manage all of the demands of a modern-day family.
And, I can promise you, as someone who did just that, we do not do it consciously or even willingly.
It just happens and we don't even realize or want it.
I do believe that blame is the single most destructive force in romantic relationships.
Instead of trying to get the heart of an issue, people use blame as a means to express their hurt.
I asked my friend a few questions about his individual complaints: 1.
Were you actively impacted by the results of the daily decisions she made without you? 2.
Did you ever try to make plans for the weekend and share them with her? 3.
When you got home from work were you bright-eyed and eager to step into what is usually a very trying time in any family house, dinnertime? 4.
When you did do things for her did you do them efficiently and effectively, as efficiently and as effectively as you might do something for your boss? 5.
Did you ever tell your wife that you felt marginalized? He thought about the questions that I asked for a long while.
24 hours, actually.
And then he phoned me.
"You know.
I have been thinking," he said, "And no, I did not often do many of those things.
I really wanted to, and tried hard to do so, but work got in the way and I was tired and I was so annoyed with her that I didn't always make that extra effort to be emotionally or physically available.
And I did not tell her how I felt.
It was just too difficult.
" "So, " I responded.
"You really wanted and intended to do all of those things but concede that you often didn't.
Why didn't you tell her how you felt? Do you think that if you had been able to verbalize it clearly that she might have tried to understand where you were coming from and the two of you could have had a conversation about what might work better for both of you?" "Yes," he said, "I suppose.
And I guess that I can't put all of the blame on her.
If I had stepped up and told her how I felt then maybe some of this could have been prevented.
I see now that, really, both of us are responsible for the demise of our marriage.
" Blame is a very insidious, destructive force.
Blame does nothing but back people into a defensive corner, trying to protect themselves from what feels like a personal attack.
Blame promotes anger and accusation and ends a conversation before it even starts.
But, really, nothing happens in a void.
There are two people in a relationship and two people who can promote its growth or bring about its demise.
Imagine if we used the energy that we use to blame and instead use it to really look at a situation, to recognize our role in it and to have a discussion with our partner about how we feel.
A pretty outrageous idea, I know.
It was too late for my friend to mend his marriage but he was able to let go of the blame he felt for his ex and that allowed him to move forward in his life in a positive way.
It also gave him a tool for his next relationship - how to stay away from the blame game and instead take responsibility for his actions and be willing to work with his partner to make their relationship a safe and happy place for both of them.
"She was so horrible to me for so long that she drove me away.
It's all her fault.
" One night, at a dinner party, a friend of mine was telling me about his impending divorce.
He was very upset because he couldn't get past all of things that she had done to him.
"She totally marginalized me," he said.
"She would make daily decisions about the kids without me, she would plan our weekends without consulting me, when I got home from work she would barely look at me and whenever I did get the chance to do something for her she would berate me for doing it wrong.
If she hadn't behaved this way I wouldn't have left her.
" I hate to say it but this is a complaint that almost every man with whom I have spoken about marriage, married or divorced, has made.
That their wives sideline them in the family.
It makes them feel bad about themselves, which in turn makes them feel bad about their wives and their marriages.
I totally understand and empathize with men's feelings on this matter.
Many women do push their husbands to the sidelines as they try to manage all of the demands of a modern-day family.
And, I can promise you, as someone who did just that, we do not do it consciously or even willingly.
It just happens and we don't even realize or want it.
I do believe that blame is the single most destructive force in romantic relationships.
Instead of trying to get the heart of an issue, people use blame as a means to express their hurt.
I asked my friend a few questions about his individual complaints: 1.
Were you actively impacted by the results of the daily decisions she made without you? 2.
Did you ever try to make plans for the weekend and share them with her? 3.
When you got home from work were you bright-eyed and eager to step into what is usually a very trying time in any family house, dinnertime? 4.
When you did do things for her did you do them efficiently and effectively, as efficiently and as effectively as you might do something for your boss? 5.
Did you ever tell your wife that you felt marginalized? He thought about the questions that I asked for a long while.
24 hours, actually.
And then he phoned me.
"You know.
I have been thinking," he said, "And no, I did not often do many of those things.
I really wanted to, and tried hard to do so, but work got in the way and I was tired and I was so annoyed with her that I didn't always make that extra effort to be emotionally or physically available.
And I did not tell her how I felt.
It was just too difficult.
" "So, " I responded.
"You really wanted and intended to do all of those things but concede that you often didn't.
Why didn't you tell her how you felt? Do you think that if you had been able to verbalize it clearly that she might have tried to understand where you were coming from and the two of you could have had a conversation about what might work better for both of you?" "Yes," he said, "I suppose.
And I guess that I can't put all of the blame on her.
If I had stepped up and told her how I felt then maybe some of this could have been prevented.
I see now that, really, both of us are responsible for the demise of our marriage.
" Blame is a very insidious, destructive force.
Blame does nothing but back people into a defensive corner, trying to protect themselves from what feels like a personal attack.
Blame promotes anger and accusation and ends a conversation before it even starts.
But, really, nothing happens in a void.
There are two people in a relationship and two people who can promote its growth or bring about its demise.
Imagine if we used the energy that we use to blame and instead use it to really look at a situation, to recognize our role in it and to have a discussion with our partner about how we feel.
A pretty outrageous idea, I know.
It was too late for my friend to mend his marriage but he was able to let go of the blame he felt for his ex and that allowed him to move forward in his life in a positive way.
It also gave him a tool for his next relationship - how to stay away from the blame game and instead take responsibility for his actions and be willing to work with his partner to make their relationship a safe and happy place for both of them.
