False responsibility Part I I speak with clients daily who struggle to know when they are helping someone and when they are enabling someone to continue poor or destructive behavior.
Most of us want to be as supportive of others as possible, often to a fault.
We see this frequently between parents and children.
The line becomes blurred here because our children come to us in a state of total need and complete dependence.
Supporting them, doing for them, providing for them is a natural part of the relationship.
This behavior can also be seen between spouses, siblings and friends with disastrous results.
Once we position ourselves as the savior, the martyr, the provider or the one who is responsible or to blame, we have eliminated any other possible dynamic within the relationship.
When we do for others what they could and should do for themselves, we cheat them out of their god-given right to learn from their own choices.
By letting go of our false responsibilities, we free both ourselves and others to learn our most important lessons.
Part II: What we get out of false responsibility False Responsibility Part II So, if we dabble in the alchemy of false responsibility, what we are sure to conjure up is a big pay-off.
What do you get out of taking responsibility for people and circumstances in your life that are not yours? Close your eyes and think about it for a moment.
Here are the top five: 1.
You get to be in control What better way is there to gain control of people and life than to take on the responsibility for EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE.
We are the general manager of the universe, at least that's what we tell ourselves.
2.
You get to feel significant What kind of person is in control of everything and everyone in their lives? Smart? Probably.
Reliable? Most definitely.
Significant? You bet.
If we are the hub of our world, all traffic goes through us.
We usually describe ourselves as "hands-on.
" That's an understatement.
3.
You get to be self-righteous Through thick and thin, whether we realize it or not, one of the biggest pay-offs of false responsibility is that we get to be right.
When things go well, we have the opportunity to feel the charge of power.
When things don't go so well, we can claim smug self-righteousness.
We're the first to say "I told you so," even if it is only a silent comment to ourselves.
4.
You get to be justified When everything is our responsibility, the end always justifies our means.
After all, we carry the burden of the our entire world, more or less.
We have to do whatever it takes, however destructive to ourselves and others.
5.
You get to be the victim And our favorite...
we get to be the victim of everyone else's incompetence, low morality, greed, selfishness, lack of self-discipline.
"If only they would do what we tell them to do, if only they could be like us...
" But, they rarely do and are, so it is up to us to take care of everything.
Poor us.
False responsibility is a cunning component of ultimately feeling stuck and trapped.
Because we feel responsible for everything and everyone in our lives, we can't possibly just quit.
It would be against our self-righteous code of morality and principles.
And this is the lie that we tell ourselves and others...
you can't do it without me...
I can't do without it.
The truth is that we believe that we actually are responsible for everything and everyone.
That is who we believe we are, deeply and truly.
It is part of our identity.
Because after all, who would we be without our pain?