An Emotional Eating Lesson Inspired by Tony Soprano - Part Two
When I read over a certain part of what I wrote in part one of "An Emotional Eating Lesson Inspired by Tony Soprano", I noticed one area that was actually not true.
Now you may not of caught it, as most of our conditioning accepts it generally as true.
However, it is such an important point and answers the question of why, even after going on a food binge or emotionally eating, we are still left feeling empty and unfulfilled.
The section I am talking about is: "When I was growing up, I had many hurtful difficult times where I never got the apology, just the symbol.
I heard, 'Hey Steve, come on, we're all going out for ice cream' and never a word about the hurtful issue.
For me, the ritual of going to the local Dairy Queen was the ultimate form of apology and a way to bond our family no matter how difficult the emotional issue.
" What is not true about this is that I make it seem as if the food really did substitute as an apology.
It seems like I enjoyed the treat (ie.
bribe), and the hurt just magically disappeared.
However, that's not true and not how it works for most of us.
For example, let's imagine you get scolded, blamed or put down for something you did not do.
You went to your room, cried or maybe just seethed with anger for being treated so unfairly.
Then the food bribe came.
If this was your family's culture and way of handling difficult issues, you went along, accepted the bribe and tried to make the best of it.
But did you have closure? Were you able to emotionally or intellectually resolve the issue? Did you have the opportunity to have that much needed heart-to-heart talk? Or were you left pretty much empty and, if you are like me, probably still hurting and hanging onto the pain.
If anything, the repeated episodes taught you to keep your guard up and not trust the ones you loved.
While the food may have muted the feelings of hurt, anger and resentment, it did nothing to resolve them or create any inner peace.
However, food does make us feel better at least temporarily.
This is the starting point of most emotional food issues including binging and food addictions.
As a matter of fact, I believe it is the core issue in all addictions..
..
trying to replace emotional needs with substances (food, drink, drugs, cigarettes...
) or behaviors (TV, internet, shopping, sex, sports, gambling...
).
My point is not to lay blame, or provide ammunition for us to be angry at our parents.
I too am a parent and at times struggle to handle issues in a healthy way.
I do fail and sometimes miserably! However, as soon as I have some awareness of the hurt I may have caused, I do my best to connect with my loved one and resolve it...
and not with a piece of Pizza or Ice Cream! As someone who lost 170 lbs, kept it off and works with clients daily around food issues, I know that restrictive diets don't work over time but learning healthy responses to our emotional needs does.
My intention for writing this article is to first provide some understanding about how emotional binge eating could have started for you.
Second, notice that after the initial intoxication of the binge wears off, we still are left with the unresolved feelings we were trying to avoid.
And third, I wanted to raise awareness about how our behaviors affect others.
We cannot go back and erase past hurts, however we can make different choices as adults and work at not using food in manipulating ways.
©Steven Kiges 2010
Now you may not of caught it, as most of our conditioning accepts it generally as true.
However, it is such an important point and answers the question of why, even after going on a food binge or emotionally eating, we are still left feeling empty and unfulfilled.
The section I am talking about is: "When I was growing up, I had many hurtful difficult times where I never got the apology, just the symbol.
I heard, 'Hey Steve, come on, we're all going out for ice cream' and never a word about the hurtful issue.
For me, the ritual of going to the local Dairy Queen was the ultimate form of apology and a way to bond our family no matter how difficult the emotional issue.
" What is not true about this is that I make it seem as if the food really did substitute as an apology.
It seems like I enjoyed the treat (ie.
bribe), and the hurt just magically disappeared.
However, that's not true and not how it works for most of us.
For example, let's imagine you get scolded, blamed or put down for something you did not do.
You went to your room, cried or maybe just seethed with anger for being treated so unfairly.
Then the food bribe came.
If this was your family's culture and way of handling difficult issues, you went along, accepted the bribe and tried to make the best of it.
But did you have closure? Were you able to emotionally or intellectually resolve the issue? Did you have the opportunity to have that much needed heart-to-heart talk? Or were you left pretty much empty and, if you are like me, probably still hurting and hanging onto the pain.
If anything, the repeated episodes taught you to keep your guard up and not trust the ones you loved.
While the food may have muted the feelings of hurt, anger and resentment, it did nothing to resolve them or create any inner peace.
However, food does make us feel better at least temporarily.
This is the starting point of most emotional food issues including binging and food addictions.
As a matter of fact, I believe it is the core issue in all addictions..
..
trying to replace emotional needs with substances (food, drink, drugs, cigarettes...
) or behaviors (TV, internet, shopping, sex, sports, gambling...
).
My point is not to lay blame, or provide ammunition for us to be angry at our parents.
I too am a parent and at times struggle to handle issues in a healthy way.
I do fail and sometimes miserably! However, as soon as I have some awareness of the hurt I may have caused, I do my best to connect with my loved one and resolve it...
and not with a piece of Pizza or Ice Cream! As someone who lost 170 lbs, kept it off and works with clients daily around food issues, I know that restrictive diets don't work over time but learning healthy responses to our emotional needs does.
My intention for writing this article is to first provide some understanding about how emotional binge eating could have started for you.
Second, notice that after the initial intoxication of the binge wears off, we still are left with the unresolved feelings we were trying to avoid.
And third, I wanted to raise awareness about how our behaviors affect others.
We cannot go back and erase past hurts, however we can make different choices as adults and work at not using food in manipulating ways.
©Steven Kiges 2010
