How to Manage Anger - Five Steps to Instantly Defuse Your Wrath
I did it again.
Tired and feeling pressured to get something done that I should have done two days ago, I lost my temper with my almost-three-year-old son.
I said something almost out loud that I can only hope my son didn't hear, and then threw an spoon to the floor for emphasis.
Years ago, anger used to be my constant companion.
Now, it only emerges its ugly head when I'm feeling vulnerable and on edge, but when it shows up, you better get out of the way! Most of the time, though, I can sense it coming, in which case I can manage it before it gets out of control.
If you have a problem with anger, consider trying these five steps the next time you're about to explode.
1.
Take a deep breath and hold it.
If you're not breathing, you won't scream, and you likely won't begin to thrash around.
It also gives you a moment to decide whether you're going to calm down and act like the rational adult you usually are, or throw a fit.
2.
Consider the pain your words and behavior are about to inflict on those around you.
Seeing his mommy fly off the handle frightens my son, and the last thing I want is for him to be afraid of me.
During that moment of holding your breath, ask yourself: "Will I regret my angry reaction in ten minutes? Will my reaction really resolve the situation?" Remember also that words can never be taken back.
Whatever you say (or scream) in a moment of anger will have a deleterious effect on your relationship with any other person involved in the situation.
3.
Sing.
Yes, everyone else in the room may look at you as though you've lost your mind.
You will probably feel foolish, at least the first few times.
And maybe you can't carry a tune in a bucket.
But opening your mouth and singing will do two things: first, it will keep you from cussing like a sailor and screaming like a monkey; and two, it will help you feel better.
It may even make you laugh.
I used this technique back in my schoolteacher days, and the kids always got a great kick out of watching me sing opera.
4.
Take a time out.
If you're angry with a child, ask him or her to go to another room for five minutes so you can find your good mood again.
If you're angry with another adult, excuse yourself for a while until you can think about the incident without the feeling welling back up again.
5.
Get a new perspective on the reactive situation.
Ask yourself, will it matter next year? Next month? Tomorrow? If not, let it go.
If it is something that needs to be addressed with another person, use an I message: "I get upset when people outside of my family ask me personal questions.
" "It makes me scared when I see children trying to cross the street without permission because a car could hit them.
" I-messages keep from blaming the other person and give you the responsibility for your feelings.
No one wants to hang around a chronically angry person.
These techniques, if practiced often, will soon become second-nature and anger will no longer be your constant companion.
Tired and feeling pressured to get something done that I should have done two days ago, I lost my temper with my almost-three-year-old son.
I said something almost out loud that I can only hope my son didn't hear, and then threw an spoon to the floor for emphasis.
Years ago, anger used to be my constant companion.
Now, it only emerges its ugly head when I'm feeling vulnerable and on edge, but when it shows up, you better get out of the way! Most of the time, though, I can sense it coming, in which case I can manage it before it gets out of control.
If you have a problem with anger, consider trying these five steps the next time you're about to explode.
1.
Take a deep breath and hold it.
If you're not breathing, you won't scream, and you likely won't begin to thrash around.
It also gives you a moment to decide whether you're going to calm down and act like the rational adult you usually are, or throw a fit.
2.
Consider the pain your words and behavior are about to inflict on those around you.
Seeing his mommy fly off the handle frightens my son, and the last thing I want is for him to be afraid of me.
During that moment of holding your breath, ask yourself: "Will I regret my angry reaction in ten minutes? Will my reaction really resolve the situation?" Remember also that words can never be taken back.
Whatever you say (or scream) in a moment of anger will have a deleterious effect on your relationship with any other person involved in the situation.
3.
Sing.
Yes, everyone else in the room may look at you as though you've lost your mind.
You will probably feel foolish, at least the first few times.
And maybe you can't carry a tune in a bucket.
But opening your mouth and singing will do two things: first, it will keep you from cussing like a sailor and screaming like a monkey; and two, it will help you feel better.
It may even make you laugh.
I used this technique back in my schoolteacher days, and the kids always got a great kick out of watching me sing opera.
4.
Take a time out.
If you're angry with a child, ask him or her to go to another room for five minutes so you can find your good mood again.
If you're angry with another adult, excuse yourself for a while until you can think about the incident without the feeling welling back up again.
5.
Get a new perspective on the reactive situation.
Ask yourself, will it matter next year? Next month? Tomorrow? If not, let it go.
If it is something that needs to be addressed with another person, use an I message: "I get upset when people outside of my family ask me personal questions.
" "It makes me scared when I see children trying to cross the street without permission because a car could hit them.
" I-messages keep from blaming the other person and give you the responsibility for your feelings.
No one wants to hang around a chronically angry person.
These techniques, if practiced often, will soon become second-nature and anger will no longer be your constant companion.
