See Also:
• Best Palin Jokes of All Time
• Funny Sarah Palin Pictures
• Sarah Palin Cartoons
• Stupid Sarah Palin Quotes

"I have always been a huge fan of Sarah Palin. She's a strong leader with a proven history of selflessness. I mean, in the midst of her 2008 campaign, she took the time to help out a struggling senior with severely impaired judgment." –Stephen Colbert

"If you ignore something long enough, it will go away.

Just look at Sarah Palin." –Stephen Colbert

"Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady's glasses." –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin is driving all over the country in a bus, I guess to pick up where Charlie Sheen left off." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy." –Craig Ferguson

"It doesn't make it a gotcha question just because it got ya." —Jon Stewart on Sarah Palin complaining that a reporter asked her a “gotcha” question about Paul Revere (the question was "What have you seen so far today, and what are you going to take away from your visit?")

"Sarah Palin is going to London to try to meet with Margaret Thatcher, who's made it clear she won't meet with her. Palin went, 'Who told her I was coming? Was it Paul Revere again?'" –Jay Leno

"There are rumors that Sarah Palin will run for president.

It's a big decision. On one hand, running for president is a long and grueling process that goes on for months and years. But she could just quit halfway through, right?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"One of Sarah Palin's supporters is about to release a documentary about her called 'The Undefeated.' That's like a documentary about Arnold Schwarzenegger called 'The Faithful.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Someone made a two-hour documentary about Sarah Palin's political life. In case you're interested in watching a movie that's longer than Palin's actual political life.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A Washington Post columnist is proposing February be a Palin-free month. You know a better month? November 2012." —Jay Leno

"We had a national tragedy this week, and the President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal." —Bill Maher

"You know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? At some point a pit bull does stop whining." —Bill Maher

"In her video posted on her Facebook page, Sarah Palin condemned the media's coverage of the Arizona shootings by using the phrase 'blood libel,' which refers to a harsh anti-Semitic slur. And I would be super-offended if I thought she knew that." —Seth Meyers

"Last night was possibly the last show ever of 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' for several reasons. She might run for President and would have to abide by the equal time rules. Also, she just likes to quit things." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do." —David Letterman

"A new poll shows President Obama ahead of Sarah Palin 54 percent to 39 percent in a potential match up. You know what that means? John McCain could get Barack Obama elected twice." —Jay Leno

"On Glenn Beck's radio show yesterday, Sarah Palin accidentally said, 'We have to stand with our North Korean allies.' Then Palin was like, 'Wait. North Korea's the one in the south, right?'" —Jimmy Fallon

"On Fox News, Sarah Palin said, 'I want to clean up the state, that is so sorry today, of journalism and I have a communications degree.' After that sentence, they might take it back." –Jay Leno

"A new study says that radiation from Wi-Fi is hurting trees. Environmentalists are calling it the worst assault on trees since George W. Bush and Sarah Palin became authors." –Jimmy Fallon

"Palin's book just came out. It has just over 300 pages and just under 900 made-up words." –Jimmy Fallon

"Three finalists on 'Dancing with the Stars,' two of whom can dance and Bristol Palin who cannot, but her mother has an army of Eskimo robots calling in votes day and night. The Palins dream of a future in which no one will ever be disqualified from a job simply because they are unable to perform that job." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The New Oxford Dictionary has declared Sarah Palin's word 'refudiate' to be the 2010 Word of the Year. Palin was honored and said she would do her best to 'dismangle' the English language." –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin says she wants limited government. Does she mean fewer elected officials or more officials who resign in the middle of their terms? I think limited government will be perfect for her limited abilities." –David Letterman

"While campaigning in Florida this past weekend, Palin also plugged her upcoming reality show Sarah Palin's 'Alaska.' If you haven't seen it, the entire show takes place in Palin's rear view mirror." –Seth Meyers

"On Fox News, they address her as Governor Palin. Which is like calling me 'Dairy Queen employee.' I was once, but I quit." –Tina Fey, in an appearance on David Letterman

"Bristol Palin is getting married to Levi Johnston. Sarah Palin is so excited that she can't even make up words to express how thrilled she is." -David Letterman

"Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin spoke out this week against the health care reform bill, saying, 'Elections have consequences.' Well, of course, elections have consequences. That's why right now, instead of being vice president of the United States, she's trying to get a reality show on the Animal Planet." –Jay Leno

"On Saturday, Sarah Palin looked at notes written on her hand during a speech at the Tea Party Convention in Tennessee. Isn't that wild? Oddly enough, she was reading, 'Hi, I'm Sarah Palin.'" --Jimmy Fallon

Unfortunately, Palin was unable to respond to the criticism, because she was wearing gloves." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Maybe Sarah Palin would be smarter if she had bigger hands." -Jimmy Kimmel

"It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year." -Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, is going to be part of the Fox News team. So, yeah. Finally, finally, her years of reading all those newspapers and magazines have really paid off. This should balance things out over there at Fox News. I can see that coming from my house." -David Letterman

"Some critics are saying that Palin won't last on Fox because she's an over-emotional woman who gets the facts wrong. But I disagree. It's working great for Glenn Beck, so she'll be fine." -Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin was photographed in Hawaii this week wearing a 'McCain for President' visor, but she had blacked out the letters of her former running mate's name. She was going to black out all of it, but halfway through, she quit." -Seth Meyers

"Sarah Palin's book is number one on Amazon.com right now. Stephen King actually has the number two book. Very scary new book called 'Sarah Palin Becomes President.'" -Jimmy Kimmel (Read more Sarah Palin book jokes)

"In Sarah Palin's new book, she says when she first laid eyes on her future husband, she said out loud, 'Thank you, God,' which is the same thing the Democrats said when they first laid eyes on Sarah Palin." -Conan O'Brien

"Former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is promoting her new book and she's going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Sarah and Oprah. On the one hand, a very powerful woman qualified to be President of the United States, and on the other hand, you have Sarah." –David Letterman

"But if you think about it, Sarah Palin and Oprah Winfrey have a lot in common. They both helped get Obama elected." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin's new autobiography doesn't come out until November, but it is already No. 1 on Amazon. And if you go to the website, it says, 'People who bought this book also bought no other books in their entire life.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"This week Sarah Palin's memoir became a bestseller. It's not even out yet. It's being translated in English." --Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin's 400-page memoir is going to be released on November 17th, and it's called 'Going Rogue: An American Life.' And critics say that it starts out okay, it get's really exciting and then confusing, and then the last 100 pages are blank." --Jimmy Fallon

"The book costs $24.99, but it has a $5,000 jacket." --Jimmy Fallon

"People in Alaska are looking forward to Sarah Palin's memoir. They're already calling it 'The Book to Nowhere.'" --David Letterman

"According to a new poll, 42% of Americans say they would vote for Sarah Palin for president in 2012. They also said they'd support her decision to step down in 2013." --Conan O'Brien

"As I watched the press conference, I realized finally we have a candidate for the people who loved George Bush's certainty but were bothered by his rationality and executive experience." --Jon Stewart, on Sarah Palin's resignation

"Friends of Governor Palin are saying that she is resigning because she is tired of attacks from the media. Thank God I didn't say anything." --David Letterman

"Since resigning as governor, many say Sarah Palin is now going to spend some time working on her memoirs. Alaskans are saying they can't wait to start reading Palin's memoirs and then quit halfway through." --Conan O'Brien

"In a recent study, the United States was ranked the 114th happiest country in the world. Then Sarah Palin stepped down. Now we're at 17." --Conan O'Brien

"Now how about this, ladies and gentlemen? The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no longer be the Governor of Alaska. First thing, she woke up and went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia." --David Letterman

"It's an emotional day. A lot of us are still mourning the loss of one of America's most entertaining figures, who left us all too soon. But don't worry, folks, Sarah Palin will be back. Comedians everywhere are praying." --Conan O'Brien

"And people are puzzled by this. They say, 'Well Governor, Sarah, what are you going to do? What's going to happen?' And insiders believe that she hopes to be the next 'Octomom.' But I don't know." --David Letterman

"There was a surprising announcement over the weekend. The governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is leaving office. She's stepping down. Something I said?" --David Letterman

"President Obama right now is in Russia. Obama went there because from Russia you can actually see Sarah Palin cleaning out her office in Alaska." --Conan O'Brien

"I was talking to a lady here in the audience, she was from Alaska and we were wondering about this. How does a thing like this work? She steps down and she's no longer the governor of Alaska. And we figured it out: Miss Congeniality steps up and is now the governor of Alaska." --David Letterman

"A lot of public figures do this. When you have trouble, you blame the media. And today as a matter of fact she was up in a helicopter shooting Wolf Blitzer." --David Letterman

Next > More Palin Jokes

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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