One issue that many of our online counselling clients come to their sessions with is low self-esteem. Having a good sense of one's own worth, or high self-esteem, is one of the most important assets a person can have. People who feel good about themselves can cope better in difficult situations than those who feel unsure of themselves. In fact, people who have low self-esteem may have problems dealing with relatively minor problems.

Many people were raised to be good children, and later, good productive adults. Some people were raised with the almost impossible expectation to be perfect. Yet, the fact is that human beings are not perfect. All people fall short of their own expectations and sometimes they disappoint others as well. However, people who have high self-esteem continue to feel good about themselves even when they make mistakes or when others criticize them. On the other hand, people who have low self-esteem are at the mercy of the opinions of those around them, When others are pleased with them they feel good, but when others are disappointed or angry with them, they feel worthless.

So where does high self-esteem come from?

Throughout our lives others give us messages about our skills, lovability, and value. First, parents and other family members provide messages for self-esteem. Later, teachers, friends, and classmates communicate these messages and later still, our boss, spouse, and children help shape self-esteem. Love, acceptance, and appreciation of the person, including limitations as well as abilities, add to feelings of high self-esteem. However, people who found little love or acceptance in their childhood can at any stage of life learn ways to build their own self-esteem, just like many of our online counselling clients have done.

So, what Hurts Self-esteem?

Most people discover that they have a good sense of self-worth when things are going well. During difficult times or periods of great change, the future is more uncertain and it's easy to feel less confident about oneself and abilities. This is especially true when family members and friends have difficulty supporting each other.

The events or problems that can often lower self-esteem for adults include:

• Severe financial stress;

• An unfamiliar new job;

• Loss of job;

• Working for a critical or unappreciative boss;

• Loss of a loved one;

• Children growing up and leaving home;

• A move to a new community;

• Serious behaviour problems of a child or teen;

• Divorce, separation, or difficulties relating to a spouse;

• A physical disability;

• Development of serious health problems; and

• Chemical dependency or addiction.

However, steps can be taken to raise a damaged sense of self-esteem. You too can learn to face problems and new situations in ways that build your self-esteem. Being with other people who see you as a valuable person can give you a real boost. You can also learn to give yourself the compliments you would like to hear from others. You can put the day's tasks on a list, enjoy checking off one after another, and learn to feel good about small things. Most of all, you can learn to separate your own value from negative things in work or family.

The following techniques can also help build self-esteem:

• Monitor your self-talk. What's that little voice in your head saying to you? Would you say that type of thing to someone you care for? If it's not okay to say it to someone else then it's not okay to say it to yourself.

• Take time for yourself each week to do something fun, perhaps a hobby. Your mind switches off as you do something you enjoy. Everyone including yourself will benefit when you're more relaxed.

• Share problems with a friend or relative by saying something like, "I've been kind of worried lately and I thought it would help to talk. Do you have a few minutes?"

• Allow time for physical exercise several days a week to "work off your worries."

• Learn to compliment yourself for small tasks accomplished. "I made the time to make a phone call to a friend ." "I'm good at keeping the house running well." "How nice it is for the family to sit down together for a meal."

It's easy to come up with the "yes- but's." "Yes, but I really don't have a close friend. And I don't have time to get together with other people. I could never share my troubles with another person." Instead, try to see the positive possibilities.

If you wait for the outside world to provide you with healthy self-esteem, you can be easily disappointed. Real self-esteem comes from inside yourself and surrounding yourself with people who notice your positive qualities. Spend a few minutes every day reflecting on your own positive qualities, remember what you focus on grows. As you emphasise your own positive aspects to yourself, your self-esteem will continue to grow. Remember, you are unique – there is only ever one of you in the world and you are meant to be you, not a version of someone else. Nothing and no one can take away your worth as a person.

If you feel you need professional help in further boosting your self-esteem our team of online counsellors and online psychotherapists at International Wellness Clinics are always ready to help.

International Wellness Clinics are an Irish online counselling, Irish online psychotherapy service and provide counselling and psychotherapy services to people in all areas of Ireland. Also Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) for weight loss.