John McCain Jokes
"John McCain has finally decided on his vice president. The only question now is from which house will he make the announcement." –David Letterman
"Have you seen the new commercial? The McCain campaign compares Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. And today the Obama campaign released an ad comparing John McCain to Zsa Zsa Gabor and Bea Arthur." --Jay Leno
"Demeaning Obama is not why this is a dick move by McCain.
It's a dick move by McCain because one of the fine young ladies featured in this ad (on screen: photo of Paris Hilton)…her parents, the Hiltons, contributed $4,600, the maximum you can contribute, to the campaign of none other than John McCain. John McCain is saying to the Hiltons, 'I thank you kindly for your support. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take a nationally televised dump on your daughter.'" --Jon Stewart, on McCain's attack ad comparing Obama to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears
"While Barack Obama was campaigning in Germany, he spoke to a half million people in Germany, a half million people. And while he was doing that, John McCain, he wasn't laying around, no, no. John McCain was out driving in his driveway and he backed over the mailbox." --David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's jabs at Old Man McCain, plus McCain's jokes about Letterman)
"John McCain has been accused of stealing policy ideas from Wikipedia, which is ridiculous. Everybody knows McCain doesn't know how to use the Internet, so how could you even accuse him of that?" --Craig Ferguson
"Barack Obama said today that he is going to fight for votes in all 50 states.
Yeah. That's what he said. Meanwhile, John McCain said he's going to fight for votes in all 13 colonies." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush spoke at a campaign rally in support of John McCain. They raised millions and millions of dollars, most of which will be used to repair the damage of President Bush supporting John McCain at a campaign rally. So it's kind of a wash" --Jay Leno
"Cindy McCain sprained her wrist. Doctors say it's nothing serious -- she probably did it cutting John McCain's meat into little tiny pieces." --Craig Ferguson "This week, Barack Obama, true story, campaigned on an Indian reservation and the tribal chief adopted him. Yeah, the Indians actually prefer Obama to John McCain, because they still remember when McCain took their land." –Conan O'Brien
"John McCain is actively courting women over 60. And I'm thinking, who does this guy think he is, Ashton Kutcher?" --David Letterman
"Earlier today, John McCain released 1,200 pages of his medical records. Or, as his doctor calls it, Chapter One." --Conan O'Brien
"McCain of course has the nomination sewed up. He's now auditioning candidates for vice president, and they're visiting at his home in Arizona. I believe it's called Casa Viagra. I believe it's called the Lazy Artery. I believe it's a ranch, I think it's the Double Hernia. No no, his home in Arizona -- the Rancho Prostato." --David Letterman
"Barack Obama's staff and John McCain's staff are busy now negotiating when the presidential debates will take place. That's good, yeah. Yeah, Obama wants them to be in September, and McCain wants them to be after his nap, but before 'Wheel of Fortune.'" --Conan O'Brien
"According to the Washington Post, Barack Obama and actress Scarlett Johansson are email buddies. Apparently they email each other back and forth. So, you've got a 23-year-old gorgeous, blonde actress emailing a married presidential candidate. Well, what could go wrong there? Not to be outdone today, John McCain admitted he had been exchanging flirty emails with Angela Lansbury." --Jay Leno
"CNN reports that John McCain is aggressively trying to win over the independent vote. Yeah, of course, to John McCain, independent means anyone who can make it to the toilet without help." --Conan O'Brien
"And John McCain is campaigning very hard. Every day I pick up the newspaper, he's someplace else. He's got a new strategy. Well John McCain just announced he wants to do a series of town hall meetings where he'll meet with the public. Yeah, it's all part of McCain's 'Speak Up, I Can't Hear You' tour." --Conan O'Brien
"You know who I like is that John McCain. ... He looks like the guy at the hardware store who makes the keys. He looks like the guy who can't stop talking about how well his tomatoes are doing. He looks like the guy who goes into town for turpentine. He looks like the guy who always has wiry hair growing out of new places. He looks like the guy who points out the spots they missed at the car wash." --David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's jabs at Old Man McCain, plus McCain's jokes about Letterman)
"McCain came out this week with a list of 20 possible running mates. He would not reveal the names of all of them, but he said they all share certain traits, like knowing CPR. He said he wants someone who is ready take over on day two." --Bill Maher
"Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John McCain have all been arguing, claiming that they're the most qualified person to answer the White House phone at 3 a.m. Yeah, McCain said, 'I'm the most qualified, because I'm usually up at that hour peeing anyway.'" --Conan O'Brien
"John McCain is now crisscrossing the United States campaigning. Or, as they're calling it, Antiques Roadshow." --Jay Leno
"Did you hear about this? Two State Department employees were fired -- this is a bit of a scandal -- because they were looking at Barack Obama's passport file. Not only that, but the same person was also looking at John McCain's Civil War records." --David Letterman
"John McCain's daughter is in the news. John McCain's daughter says that a lot of guys don't want to date her because her dad makes her too high-profile. Yeah. That's part of the reason. It's also because McCain's daughter is 63 years old." --Conan O'Brien
"Have you seen the new commercial? The McCain campaign compares Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. And today the Obama campaign released an ad comparing John McCain to Zsa Zsa Gabor and Bea Arthur." --Jay Leno
"Demeaning Obama is not why this is a dick move by McCain.
It's a dick move by McCain because one of the fine young ladies featured in this ad (on screen: photo of Paris Hilton)…her parents, the Hiltons, contributed $4,600, the maximum you can contribute, to the campaign of none other than John McCain. John McCain is saying to the Hiltons, 'I thank you kindly for your support. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take a nationally televised dump on your daughter.'" --Jon Stewart, on McCain's attack ad comparing Obama to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears
"While Barack Obama was campaigning in Germany, he spoke to a half million people in Germany, a half million people. And while he was doing that, John McCain, he wasn't laying around, no, no. John McCain was out driving in his driveway and he backed over the mailbox." --David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's jabs at Old Man McCain, plus McCain's jokes about Letterman)
"John McCain has been accused of stealing policy ideas from Wikipedia, which is ridiculous. Everybody knows McCain doesn't know how to use the Internet, so how could you even accuse him of that?" --Craig Ferguson
"Barack Obama said today that he is going to fight for votes in all 50 states.
Yeah. That's what he said. Meanwhile, John McCain said he's going to fight for votes in all 13 colonies." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush spoke at a campaign rally in support of John McCain. They raised millions and millions of dollars, most of which will be used to repair the damage of President Bush supporting John McCain at a campaign rally. So it's kind of a wash" --Jay Leno
"Cindy McCain sprained her wrist. Doctors say it's nothing serious -- she probably did it cutting John McCain's meat into little tiny pieces." --Craig Ferguson "This week, Barack Obama, true story, campaigned on an Indian reservation and the tribal chief adopted him. Yeah, the Indians actually prefer Obama to John McCain, because they still remember when McCain took their land." –Conan O'Brien
"John McCain is actively courting women over 60. And I'm thinking, who does this guy think he is, Ashton Kutcher?" --David Letterman
"Earlier today, John McCain released 1,200 pages of his medical records. Or, as his doctor calls it, Chapter One." --Conan O'Brien
"McCain of course has the nomination sewed up. He's now auditioning candidates for vice president, and they're visiting at his home in Arizona. I believe it's called Casa Viagra. I believe it's called the Lazy Artery. I believe it's a ranch, I think it's the Double Hernia. No no, his home in Arizona -- the Rancho Prostato." --David Letterman
"Barack Obama's staff and John McCain's staff are busy now negotiating when the presidential debates will take place. That's good, yeah. Yeah, Obama wants them to be in September, and McCain wants them to be after his nap, but before 'Wheel of Fortune.'" --Conan O'Brien
"According to the Washington Post, Barack Obama and actress Scarlett Johansson are email buddies. Apparently they email each other back and forth. So, you've got a 23-year-old gorgeous, blonde actress emailing a married presidential candidate. Well, what could go wrong there? Not to be outdone today, John McCain admitted he had been exchanging flirty emails with Angela Lansbury." --Jay Leno
"CNN reports that John McCain is aggressively trying to win over the independent vote. Yeah, of course, to John McCain, independent means anyone who can make it to the toilet without help." --Conan O'Brien
"And John McCain is campaigning very hard. Every day I pick up the newspaper, he's someplace else. He's got a new strategy. Well John McCain just announced he wants to do a series of town hall meetings where he'll meet with the public. Yeah, it's all part of McCain's 'Speak Up, I Can't Hear You' tour." --Conan O'Brien
"You know who I like is that John McCain. ... He looks like the guy at the hardware store who makes the keys. He looks like the guy who can't stop talking about how well his tomatoes are doing. He looks like the guy who goes into town for turpentine. He looks like the guy who always has wiry hair growing out of new places. He looks like the guy who points out the spots they missed at the car wash." --David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's jabs at Old Man McCain, plus McCain's jokes about Letterman)
"McCain came out this week with a list of 20 possible running mates. He would not reveal the names of all of them, but he said they all share certain traits, like knowing CPR. He said he wants someone who is ready take over on day two." --Bill Maher
"Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John McCain have all been arguing, claiming that they're the most qualified person to answer the White House phone at 3 a.m. Yeah, McCain said, 'I'm the most qualified, because I'm usually up at that hour peeing anyway.'" --Conan O'Brien
"John McCain is now crisscrossing the United States campaigning. Or, as they're calling it, Antiques Roadshow." --Jay Leno
"Did you hear about this? Two State Department employees were fired -- this is a bit of a scandal -- because they were looking at Barack Obama's passport file. Not only that, but the same person was also looking at John McCain's Civil War records." --David Letterman
"John McCain's daughter is in the news. John McCain's daughter says that a lot of guys don't want to date her because her dad makes her too high-profile. Yeah. That's part of the reason. It's also because McCain's daughter is 63 years old." --Conan O'Brien
