Q: What should I say to my caregiver about punishing my toddler? This is one area of child rearing I'd be very clear about.
While I would not allow anyone to hit my child, it is important for the caregiver to have the power to set limits.
A firm "No, you may not do that" is often very effective.
If your toddler seriously misbehaves, you might allow your caregiver to give a two-minute time-out.
You have to empower your caregiver to stop a situation that he or she can't tolerate, such as throwing food on the floor.
But also make sure your caregiver understands that you don't expect your child to be a saint.
Q: My caregiver lives in and I wonder if I should be allowing my toddler to sleep in her bed? Through my parent groups I hear that this is a fairly common habit.
The problems that can arise are almost the same as those that can arise if your child is sleeping in your bed.
(Of course, the difference is that you get to sleep.
) You want your child to experience being alone.
You also don't want to burden the caregiver with exhausting nights of little sleep.
I would try to stop this habit right away.
Both you and the caregiver should tell your child that she can no longer sleep in the caregiver's bed and that you, the parent, will help her learn how to get to sleep alone.
Q: I came home unexpectedly and found my son looking dejected in front of the television.
This situation would make most parents feel sad, guilty, and angry.
However, before assuming that your son has been staring sadly at a television for hours I would talk with the caregiver.
You have to find out if your son just came home from a playdate exhausted, or if this type of mood and activity is a steady diet.
If it turns out that he is watching too much television, sit down and tell your caregiver how much television you want your son to watch.
You might also suggest activities they can do together, such as cooking.
Choosing a caregiver in many ways is like choosing a partner.
Your relationship with your caregiver can influence your happiness, your toddler's well-being, and your total family's functioning.
Families who are very happy with their caregiver know themselves well enough to understand the type of person they want.
Do you prefer someone young and energetic? Or do you prefer someone more maternal and take-charge? Local newspapers, agencies, and word-of-mouth will provide some good leads.
Although it is essential to call references, you must ask very detailed questions to get a total picture of the person.
It is also very important to have some well-thought-out questions when you interview a caregiver - for example, you might ask what the applicant wants to get out of the job, how limits are set, whether he or she is bothered by a toddler's "No's.
" Giving trial runs will also help parents learn about the caregiver's style.
As in your own experience, your caregiver's past history greatly affects how he or she addresses your toddler's needs.
For instance, if she was the oldest child from a large family, how did she feel about taking care of all her brothers and sisters? Communication with your caregiver should be a number one priority.
It doesn't have to be long, but it should be every day.
How was your child's mood during a playdate? How long did he nap? What did she eat for snack? And of course, how was the day for your caregiver? Be sure to make your caregiver feel that he or she counts.
It goes almost without saying that the person who takes care of your toddler should be treated as sensitively as you want your child treated.