How To Get Your Parents To Agree With Your Decisions
Teenagers want to make their own decisions.
Usually there are many arguments with parents who seem to want to treat them like children.
If teens want more control over their life (decisions), they need to remember that: · Parents are ultimately responsible for the teen.
The teen's safety is always their first concern.
· Parents are learning how to help the teen grow to be a responsible adult.
· The teen needs to demonstrate responsibility so parents will trust their judgment.
· Parents, usually open to negotiation for shared decision making, will shut down when the teen argues, demands, or becomes emotional (such as crying, angry, yelling or other signs of impatience and intolerance).
· Making decisions under stressful conditions usually is more restrictive (think: "No way!") than when parents are relaxed and not having other demands placed on them besides your discussion.
Beginning Negotiations For parents to take the teen seriously, the teen must learn to negotiate options logically and accept limitations that parents might impose.
It might be a good idea for the teen to propose a contract with his/her parents regarding the decision making process they will use before there is a need for it.
The teen needs to think through this contract before presenting it, because parents will test their judgment skills by asking questions or not agreeing to it because there are many flaws in the contract.
The contract should include: Behavior guidelines help the decision making process.
Adult(s) and teen must agree to follow the same set of behavior "rules".
It would be a good idea for both the teen and adult(s) to make these rules together before there is any discussion.
Examples of guidelines are: The discussion will be done calmly and quietly; any emotional outbursts (yelling, crying, etc.
) will immediately terminate the discussions.
Adults and teen agree there will be no interruptions by others (phone calls or others in the family demanding attention) during the meeting.
· How negotiations will start.
An example is: When (the teen) or parents ask for a negotiation, it will happen at a time when all individuals can agree on.
Never expect negotiations to happen immediately when you think of something that you want a decision on right now! · What will be included in every negotiation.
Parents want to make sure that the teen will be safe before, during and after any activity.
It would be a very good idea for the following information to be presented at any negotiation: who is responsible for the activity and/or transportation, who the teen will be with, what the activity is all about, the times involved, and contact information for those responsible.
· Conditions to earn and lose the desired activity.
No one wants to disappoint themselves or others.
Be clear on how any privilege can be revoked.
Be clear on the fact that mutual decisions are commitment the teen makes to the adult(s) and the adult(s) make to the teen.
Teens need to remember that how they handled prior agreements will affect future ones.
When the teen doesn't do what (s)he has agreed upon, (s)he demonstrates that (s)he can't be trusted.
An example is when a teen returns home 2 hours late; adults have the right to be angry, because the teen didn't responsibly handle his/her commitment.
If something happens, it is the teen's responsibility to call the adult(s) to let them know (s)he will be late and why before (s)he is expected at home.
Disappointments And Commitments Sometimes events happen over which no one has control, and those events take precedence over things that were planned long in advance.
Obstacles in life happen.
The mark of an adult is that (s)he can roll with the punches of what life brings.
When the teen shows calm, appropriate behavior when disappointed, adult(s) will respect him/her more and trust his/her judgment in the future.
Usually there are many arguments with parents who seem to want to treat them like children.
If teens want more control over their life (decisions), they need to remember that: · Parents are ultimately responsible for the teen.
The teen's safety is always their first concern.
· Parents are learning how to help the teen grow to be a responsible adult.
· The teen needs to demonstrate responsibility so parents will trust their judgment.
· Parents, usually open to negotiation for shared decision making, will shut down when the teen argues, demands, or becomes emotional (such as crying, angry, yelling or other signs of impatience and intolerance).
· Making decisions under stressful conditions usually is more restrictive (think: "No way!") than when parents are relaxed and not having other demands placed on them besides your discussion.
Beginning Negotiations For parents to take the teen seriously, the teen must learn to negotiate options logically and accept limitations that parents might impose.
It might be a good idea for the teen to propose a contract with his/her parents regarding the decision making process they will use before there is a need for it.
The teen needs to think through this contract before presenting it, because parents will test their judgment skills by asking questions or not agreeing to it because there are many flaws in the contract.
The contract should include: Behavior guidelines help the decision making process.
Adult(s) and teen must agree to follow the same set of behavior "rules".
It would be a good idea for both the teen and adult(s) to make these rules together before there is any discussion.
Examples of guidelines are: The discussion will be done calmly and quietly; any emotional outbursts (yelling, crying, etc.
) will immediately terminate the discussions.
Adults and teen agree there will be no interruptions by others (phone calls or others in the family demanding attention) during the meeting.
· How negotiations will start.
An example is: When (the teen) or parents ask for a negotiation, it will happen at a time when all individuals can agree on.
Never expect negotiations to happen immediately when you think of something that you want a decision on right now! · What will be included in every negotiation.
Parents want to make sure that the teen will be safe before, during and after any activity.
It would be a very good idea for the following information to be presented at any negotiation: who is responsible for the activity and/or transportation, who the teen will be with, what the activity is all about, the times involved, and contact information for those responsible.
· Conditions to earn and lose the desired activity.
No one wants to disappoint themselves or others.
Be clear on how any privilege can be revoked.
Be clear on the fact that mutual decisions are commitment the teen makes to the adult(s) and the adult(s) make to the teen.
Teens need to remember that how they handled prior agreements will affect future ones.
When the teen doesn't do what (s)he has agreed upon, (s)he demonstrates that (s)he can't be trusted.
An example is when a teen returns home 2 hours late; adults have the right to be angry, because the teen didn't responsibly handle his/her commitment.
If something happens, it is the teen's responsibility to call the adult(s) to let them know (s)he will be late and why before (s)he is expected at home.
Disappointments And Commitments Sometimes events happen over which no one has control, and those events take precedence over things that were planned long in advance.
Obstacles in life happen.
The mark of an adult is that (s)he can roll with the punches of what life brings.
When the teen shows calm, appropriate behavior when disappointed, adult(s) will respect him/her more and trust his/her judgment in the future.
