Ultimatums - Do They Work
Ultimatums in a relationship or following a break up generally do not work.
Most people use ultimatums as a desperate last resort and never have any intention of sticking to them.
And usually the other partner knows this.
However, at certain times during a break up, it just may work in your favour, depending on the circumstances of what is happening following the break up.
If your ex lover is requesting friendship or some kind of contact, then throwing out an ultimatum that you refuse to have anything to do with them unless they work on the relationship may well work, especially if they are confused as to whether they want to end it or not.
However, an ultimatum should not come across as trying to control your partner.
People will resist being controlled, so choosing to issue an ultimatum should be done with thought and care.
Think carefully about what you will say.
For instance you could say something like: "I'm sorry the relationship has to end and I don't want it to end, but if that's your final decision then I will respect you and your feelings and I will move on.
" You could then say: "I don't think that we could get back together as I would need us to both work on the problems in the relationship.
" You would then say that you wish them well or whatever comes to mind, put it in your own words.
You would also tell them that at the moment you cannot be friends or, have a lot of contact as you wish to move on with your life.
This is not exactly an ultimatum, but basically what you will and will not accept anymore in a relationship.
If your partner is trying to be friends and maintain contact, there are two things here you can do.
Cut off all contact, or issue an ultimatum however, you must be prepared to stick to it come hell or high water.
Tell them unless they commit and work on reconciling then no more contact.
Do not allow them to have their cake and eat it too.
Otherwise there is no motivation for reconciliation.
The problem here is you must think long and hard before issuing that ultimatum, because if you do not stick to your words they will be effectively treating you like the proverbial doormat.
Issuing this kind of ultimatum also gives you back your power.
You are able to move on without them.
Having them around when they are not prepared to be in the relationship is just damaging to your own well being.
If they refuse to be in the relationship after you have issued your ultimatum, you need to move on and let them go away for awhile to think things over.
Do not allow this person back into your life until they agree to commit to the relationship or until you are over them.
Being around this person will not help you get over them and you must work on this if they refuse to be in the relationship for your own sake and well-being.
They might go away and think about it, and they might well come back.
But for your sake if they are not prepared to give anything in return for spending time with you and reaping the benefits of your friendship, then perhaps telling them to get out of your life is for the best.
As much as you want them back, if they are not willing to work on the problems and commit to the relationship, you would be better off sending them packing and concentrating on your own life.
I know all of this sounds easier said than done, it always does.
But believe me when I tell you, you will recover and you can do this.
Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton
Most people use ultimatums as a desperate last resort and never have any intention of sticking to them.
And usually the other partner knows this.
However, at certain times during a break up, it just may work in your favour, depending on the circumstances of what is happening following the break up.
If your ex lover is requesting friendship or some kind of contact, then throwing out an ultimatum that you refuse to have anything to do with them unless they work on the relationship may well work, especially if they are confused as to whether they want to end it or not.
However, an ultimatum should not come across as trying to control your partner.
People will resist being controlled, so choosing to issue an ultimatum should be done with thought and care.
Think carefully about what you will say.
For instance you could say something like: "I'm sorry the relationship has to end and I don't want it to end, but if that's your final decision then I will respect you and your feelings and I will move on.
" You could then say: "I don't think that we could get back together as I would need us to both work on the problems in the relationship.
" You would then say that you wish them well or whatever comes to mind, put it in your own words.
You would also tell them that at the moment you cannot be friends or, have a lot of contact as you wish to move on with your life.
This is not exactly an ultimatum, but basically what you will and will not accept anymore in a relationship.
If your partner is trying to be friends and maintain contact, there are two things here you can do.
Cut off all contact, or issue an ultimatum however, you must be prepared to stick to it come hell or high water.
Tell them unless they commit and work on reconciling then no more contact.
Do not allow them to have their cake and eat it too.
Otherwise there is no motivation for reconciliation.
The problem here is you must think long and hard before issuing that ultimatum, because if you do not stick to your words they will be effectively treating you like the proverbial doormat.
Issuing this kind of ultimatum also gives you back your power.
You are able to move on without them.
Having them around when they are not prepared to be in the relationship is just damaging to your own well being.
If they refuse to be in the relationship after you have issued your ultimatum, you need to move on and let them go away for awhile to think things over.
Do not allow this person back into your life until they agree to commit to the relationship or until you are over them.
Being around this person will not help you get over them and you must work on this if they refuse to be in the relationship for your own sake and well-being.
They might go away and think about it, and they might well come back.
But for your sake if they are not prepared to give anything in return for spending time with you and reaping the benefits of your friendship, then perhaps telling them to get out of your life is for the best.
As much as you want them back, if they are not willing to work on the problems and commit to the relationship, you would be better off sending them packing and concentrating on your own life.
I know all of this sounds easier said than done, it always does.
But believe me when I tell you, you will recover and you can do this.
Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton
