On the Problem with Measuring Relationship Quality by Intimacy Alone

“[Intimacy is] a very Western, romantic idea of measuring relationships. And it looks at intimacy as if there’s a thing called an “intimate relationship” or a “non-intimate relationship.” I think there are relationships, and there are moments that are deeply intimate and moments that are not.

Intimacy is not a quality or an attribute, it’s an experience that you have with other people.

And you can have it sometimes with people that you aren’t close with for that matter. You can have deep intimate moments with strangers. But I don’t use it as a sole measurement. I think what you want to know is do you have moments where you are intimate. Do you connect? Do you feel seen by each other? Do you feel respected by your partner? Do you feel admired, appreciated by your partner? Do you feel your partner cares about you in a special way? Do you raise your children well with your partner? Do you play well with your partner? Do you work well with your partner?

We have to let people define the state of their union and what they long for.”

Where to Start When You Feel Stuck in Your Relationship

“I think you start right there. Write to your partner, tell them, we’ve been stuck, I’ve noticed it and I think you have to. We’re in a rut and I’m wondering how we got there. The most difficult thing when you’re talking in relationships is to not go instantly into an attack/defense mode with blaming and accusations.

If you can reflect together with your partner, we used to be attentive to each other, we used to talk a lot, we used to be curious about each other. We used to play, we used to laugh, where has it gone? And I’m asking myself that question too. I know I can get bogged down and not respond to you. Whatever it is that you realize about yourself write it first, and then you throw it back to your partner and you say what do you think? What do you see? What do you think needs to happen for us? Talk about an “us,” that third unit, as the thing that both of you need.

Another way of engaging the conversation is to say, there’s a lot about me sexuality that I’ve never had a chance to tell you about and I want to share with you. This is what I’m thinking, this is what I’ve missed.

What does sex mean for you? What do you want to experience in sex? What do you want to experience with your partner, erotically speaking? When do you feel most free? When do you feel most inhibited, in your relationship, not just sexually. What would you like to communicate to your partner? What would you like to know about your partner that you haven’t asked? Ask. In moments that are relaxed. I think reading this book or other books is really useful because you have a text to go back to and say, you know I was reading this thing and I was wondering what you think about it.

Sometimes I say to people, if you’re in a rut, ask yourself what’s one thing I can do differently this week. Small, something I can do or say, or not say, but one thing that I can commit to that will be different. Because if you want to change your partner, change yourself.”

On Working with Couples who have Lost Desire in their Relationships

“People come to therapy at a certain point in their life. They either come because they are stuck, or because they’re experiencing a need for change -- inside themselves, in their life, in their relationship. And then you accompany them. It’s not for me to decide what’s the right thing for them to want. But I’ll sit with them and look at what is realistic for them to want. Or even what is not realistic for them to want but they should pursue anyway. Why not have dreams? It may not happen, but we’ve all been surprised, we’ve all experienced things we don’t expect, so go for it. So I do both. You inhabit this zone of unknown and ambiguity with your clients and you see what happens. I’m fairly optimistic in that sense. And sometimes I’ll say, you know sex is probably not going to be the thing that you guys do well together, you probably are going to have ten other things that you’re much better at as a couple, I’m really sorry to say it. What do you want to do with that?

And then they have a bunch of options. People should have a sense of dignity and ownership over what they have, and what they’ve invested, and what their commitment has yielded them. And then I look at the resources available in a relationship for them to actually expand, to go further, if that’s what they want.”