Finding Love
Many books, movies, and people will tell you that when it comes to relationships, the best thing to do is just be yourself.
And all of the people giving you that advice are faker than one of PT Barnum's mermaid prostitute's orgasms-because they know that if you actually want to end up with another human being, you should start off by being anyone but yourself.
In fact, the real you shouldn't even make an appearance until, oh, I'd say about three weeks after the wedding.
And even then you have to be careful, showing only one small new piece at a time, and giving your partner a chance to get used to each layer before you move onto the next one.
I mean, let's not kid ourselves-the real you will end up scaring someone away about three minutes into a first date.
After all, people are freakin' nuts.
And three quarters of human interactions consists of making our instable, intolerant, obsessive-compulsive, neurotic, jealous, vengeful, addicted, moody, deluded, and/or ___phobic sides seem like something else.
In other words, the real anyone is destined to have a string of three minute relationships.
But the fake you is capable of making You the Sheep Rapist look like You the Animal Lover.
He/she hides and adds so much and arranges everything in such a way that even a sheep rape expert will be fooled most of the time.
Now, I know what some of you are thinking.
"How can the fake me find real love?" And you know I'm thinking?: "How can the real you be so naïve?!" Real love? Real love? Give me a break! I think you need to lay off of the Tom Hanks-Meg Ryan movies.
Or at least realize that if a part II were made, Hanks would spend the entire movie boning Ryan's sister, best friend, worst enemy, and three of her last five Pilates instructors-and Ryan would be sleeping with the other two Pilates instructors while plotting to collect on Hanks's $1.
7 million insurance policy.
And if a Tom Hanks-Meg Ryan relationship is that bad, you can only imagine how far most are from real Sleepless in Seattle love.
Yeah, theoretically it could happen.
You might find real love But you might also win the lottery.
That doesn't mean you should spend all of your money on tickets like some asshole, and count on winning it all any day now.
Instead of being that asshole, just be content with a tolerable 10% real relationship, and be glad you're not in my shoes.
And all of the people giving you that advice are faker than one of PT Barnum's mermaid prostitute's orgasms-because they know that if you actually want to end up with another human being, you should start off by being anyone but yourself.
In fact, the real you shouldn't even make an appearance until, oh, I'd say about three weeks after the wedding.
And even then you have to be careful, showing only one small new piece at a time, and giving your partner a chance to get used to each layer before you move onto the next one.
I mean, let's not kid ourselves-the real you will end up scaring someone away about three minutes into a first date.
After all, people are freakin' nuts.
And three quarters of human interactions consists of making our instable, intolerant, obsessive-compulsive, neurotic, jealous, vengeful, addicted, moody, deluded, and/or ___phobic sides seem like something else.
In other words, the real anyone is destined to have a string of three minute relationships.
But the fake you is capable of making You the Sheep Rapist look like You the Animal Lover.
He/she hides and adds so much and arranges everything in such a way that even a sheep rape expert will be fooled most of the time.
Now, I know what some of you are thinking.
"How can the fake me find real love?" And you know I'm thinking?: "How can the real you be so naïve?!" Real love? Real love? Give me a break! I think you need to lay off of the Tom Hanks-Meg Ryan movies.
Or at least realize that if a part II were made, Hanks would spend the entire movie boning Ryan's sister, best friend, worst enemy, and three of her last five Pilates instructors-and Ryan would be sleeping with the other two Pilates instructors while plotting to collect on Hanks's $1.
7 million insurance policy.
And if a Tom Hanks-Meg Ryan relationship is that bad, you can only imagine how far most are from real Sleepless in Seattle love.
Yeah, theoretically it could happen.
You might find real love But you might also win the lottery.
That doesn't mean you should spend all of your money on tickets like some asshole, and count on winning it all any day now.
Instead of being that asshole, just be content with a tolerable 10% real relationship, and be glad you're not in my shoes.
