The New "Mixed" Marriage
...continued
Getting Real
When I work with people in mixed-orientation marriages like Eric and Ann?s, my goal is neither to help them to stay married or to get divorced. Instead, it?s to help partners come back into integrity with themselves and each other. It?s truly up to the couple, not to me, to discover what?s right for them.
That said, I tend to start from a place of hope for the relationship. Unless one partner definitely wants out of the marriage, I start by asking a couple how their marriage can continue.
I work with each partner on what he or she really wants.
I realize that many therapists disapprove of a gay husband and straight wife staying together under any circumstances. Many believe that such an "arrangement" is a clear sign of an intimacy disorder. Some might urge the couple to consider divorce to allow both parties to move on with their lives. Other clinicians might advise the gay husband to remain the sexually faithful partner he promised to be on his wedding day. I once held this belief myself?that anything less than monogamy betrayed the relationship. Now I?m open to the various arrangements that couples adopt.
The principal reason I?ve changed my mind it that I?ve now sat with many couples who?ve struggled long and hard over a divorce or separation when, in the end, that wasn?t at all what they wanted. So I?ve come to accept that there are a number of instances in which responsible nonmonogamy between partners is a viable option. One such instance is when the couple is older, has invested emotionally, financially, and psychologically in each other, and want to be together in their later years.
Another is when the couple has become best friends, and the marriage is sacred to them. A third is when the man is emotionally heterosexual and physically homosexual.
The idea here isn?t to change the orientation of the gay spouse. That?s impossible. Rather, it?s to accept the couple as they are and honor what they want.
In doing this kind of work, taking a thorough history on both partners is essential. While Ann refused to participate, I was able to do some effective family-of-origin work with Eric. He grew up in a family that demanded obedience, and therefore Eric learned early on to get his needs met underground. I helped him see that his depression stemmed, in part, from his inability to openly make decisions for himself and allow himself to experience the consequences of those decisions. Gradually, I helped him feel safe enough to do this.
Ann still hasn?t gotten help. She remains angry at Eric for "ruining her life." This outcome isn?t the norm: many gay and straight spouses who divorce ultimately become friends. While Eric wants friendship, particularly for his children?s sake, Ann has made it clear she?s not interested. Meanwhile, Eric has done his best to talk with his teenage kids about who he is, why he?s made the decisions he has, and how much he loves them. At this point, they?re more aligned with their mother.
In the meantime, Eric has met a man with whom he wants to spend the rest of his life. He continues to regularly visit his children, but doesn?t talk about his gay life or bring his partner around, at their request. I hope that, eventually, the children will develop a separate relationship with Eric and accept his life as a gay man with a new partner, just as they would if their parents had divorced and Eric had married another woman.
It?s often hard for me to sit with mixed-orientation couples, since I get in touch with my anger at living in a society that shames gays and lesbians into role-playing heterosexuality. If gays were treated with respect and empathy to begin with, much personal suffering and chaos could be spared. As comedian Jason Stuart says, "I wish you straight people would let us gay people get married. If you did, we?d stop marrying you!"
Joe Kort is the author of "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love" and "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives"
Getting Real
When I work with people in mixed-orientation marriages like Eric and Ann?s, my goal is neither to help them to stay married or to get divorced. Instead, it?s to help partners come back into integrity with themselves and each other. It?s truly up to the couple, not to me, to discover what?s right for them.
That said, I tend to start from a place of hope for the relationship. Unless one partner definitely wants out of the marriage, I start by asking a couple how their marriage can continue.
I work with each partner on what he or she really wants.
I realize that many therapists disapprove of a gay husband and straight wife staying together under any circumstances. Many believe that such an "arrangement" is a clear sign of an intimacy disorder. Some might urge the couple to consider divorce to allow both parties to move on with their lives. Other clinicians might advise the gay husband to remain the sexually faithful partner he promised to be on his wedding day. I once held this belief myself?that anything less than monogamy betrayed the relationship. Now I?m open to the various arrangements that couples adopt.
The principal reason I?ve changed my mind it that I?ve now sat with many couples who?ve struggled long and hard over a divorce or separation when, in the end, that wasn?t at all what they wanted. So I?ve come to accept that there are a number of instances in which responsible nonmonogamy between partners is a viable option. One such instance is when the couple is older, has invested emotionally, financially, and psychologically in each other, and want to be together in their later years.
Another is when the couple has become best friends, and the marriage is sacred to them. A third is when the man is emotionally heterosexual and physically homosexual.
The idea here isn?t to change the orientation of the gay spouse. That?s impossible. Rather, it?s to accept the couple as they are and honor what they want.
In doing this kind of work, taking a thorough history on both partners is essential. While Ann refused to participate, I was able to do some effective family-of-origin work with Eric. He grew up in a family that demanded obedience, and therefore Eric learned early on to get his needs met underground. I helped him see that his depression stemmed, in part, from his inability to openly make decisions for himself and allow himself to experience the consequences of those decisions. Gradually, I helped him feel safe enough to do this.
Ann still hasn?t gotten help. She remains angry at Eric for "ruining her life." This outcome isn?t the norm: many gay and straight spouses who divorce ultimately become friends. While Eric wants friendship, particularly for his children?s sake, Ann has made it clear she?s not interested. Meanwhile, Eric has done his best to talk with his teenage kids about who he is, why he?s made the decisions he has, and how much he loves them. At this point, they?re more aligned with their mother.
In the meantime, Eric has met a man with whom he wants to spend the rest of his life. He continues to regularly visit his children, but doesn?t talk about his gay life or bring his partner around, at their request. I hope that, eventually, the children will develop a separate relationship with Eric and accept his life as a gay man with a new partner, just as they would if their parents had divorced and Eric had married another woman.
It?s often hard for me to sit with mixed-orientation couples, since I get in touch with my anger at living in a society that shames gays and lesbians into role-playing heterosexuality. If gays were treated with respect and empathy to begin with, much personal suffering and chaos could be spared. As comedian Jason Stuart says, "I wish you straight people would let us gay people get married. If you did, we?d stop marrying you!"
Joe Kort is the author of "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love" and "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives"