Unthinkable
Whether you live in the community surrounding Sandy Hook Elementary, the NYC tri-state area, or communities far away, we are all deeply affected by this.
I was a teenager living in Scarsdale NY during the Columbine tragedy—and the way our school mourned and grieved, the way our community responded, remains with me to this day.
Many people have reached out today, wondering, how do we even start to talk to our kids about this? The following are some ways we can begin to help our children understand this catastrophe.
1. Model Calm—kids react more to our emotions than what we say. If you are sad when speaking to your children, it's okay to be sad, even acknowledge the sadness. But if you are sobbing, or showing extreme emotions, take time for yourself.
2. Just The Facts—Do not let the kids watch these news reports play out on TV. They should be hearing about this from you, not from a reporter. When you do talk your kids about this, share the facts. Saying something like "A bad man walked into a school a long way from here. He shot guns at the children and teachers in the school. Some of those children and teachers did not make it" (and if you are religiously inclined, it would be important to note that they are in Heaven now). They do not need to know how many people died, unless they ask. They do not need to know that the attacker then killed himself. If your child asks about the attacker, you can share that he died, too.
3. Let Them Know They Are Safe—What upsets children most when they hear about such horrors, is that they do not know if they are safe or not. Say, many times, in many ways, that the attack is over, your children and the people they love are safe, and that this happened far away from here.
4. It's Okay To Have Unanswerable Questions—We all have unanswerable questions. Why did he do this? Why on earth did he go to the school after attacking his mother? How can something like this happen? These are questions that we will never know the answer to, not really. The police will do their investigation, give us more details, but we will never know the true depths of what caused this, and why. If your kids ask you one of these unanswerables, it is okay to just say "Honey, that's a good question. I have that question, too. I don't know if we will ever know the answer. Sometimes bad things just happen."
5. Get Help—If you working a school, offer someone for your students to talk to, mark the tragedy together, mourn. You may want to bring in a professional therapist or grief counselor for those who were particularly affected. For high schools, consider holding a flag lowering ceremony where the entire school attends, or have a moment of silence. For younger kids, depending on what they have heard, do something to mark the occasion. Provide a space for mourning. Children often want to help, sending letters, prayers, something to the Newton community, or to Sandy Hook elementary, are all ways for children to mourn, and feel like they have some power in dealing with this tragedy.
Lastly, many people are deeply concerned that these children who experienced this at Sandy Hook Elementary are now scarred for life. Please know that there are good, evidenced based, effective, non-pharmaceutical treatments available for children and adults who have experienced a trauma. Not every therapist knows how to do them, and typical talk therapy doesn't cut it. If you are looking for a therapist to help heal after trauma, make sure they are trained in Trauma Art Narrative Therapy, Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). These are the only evidenced based treatments available, and other interventions can often just bleed the wound, not heal it.
I was a teenager living in Scarsdale NY during the Columbine tragedy—and the way our school mourned and grieved, the way our community responded, remains with me to this day.
Many people have reached out today, wondering, how do we even start to talk to our kids about this? The following are some ways we can begin to help our children understand this catastrophe.
1. Model Calm—kids react more to our emotions than what we say. If you are sad when speaking to your children, it's okay to be sad, even acknowledge the sadness. But if you are sobbing, or showing extreme emotions, take time for yourself.
2. Just The Facts—Do not let the kids watch these news reports play out on TV. They should be hearing about this from you, not from a reporter. When you do talk your kids about this, share the facts. Saying something like "A bad man walked into a school a long way from here. He shot guns at the children and teachers in the school. Some of those children and teachers did not make it" (and if you are religiously inclined, it would be important to note that they are in Heaven now). They do not need to know how many people died, unless they ask. They do not need to know that the attacker then killed himself. If your child asks about the attacker, you can share that he died, too.
3. Let Them Know They Are Safe—What upsets children most when they hear about such horrors, is that they do not know if they are safe or not. Say, many times, in many ways, that the attack is over, your children and the people they love are safe, and that this happened far away from here.
4. It's Okay To Have Unanswerable Questions—We all have unanswerable questions. Why did he do this? Why on earth did he go to the school after attacking his mother? How can something like this happen? These are questions that we will never know the answer to, not really. The police will do their investigation, give us more details, but we will never know the true depths of what caused this, and why. If your kids ask you one of these unanswerables, it is okay to just say "Honey, that's a good question. I have that question, too. I don't know if we will ever know the answer. Sometimes bad things just happen."
5. Get Help—If you working a school, offer someone for your students to talk to, mark the tragedy together, mourn. You may want to bring in a professional therapist or grief counselor for those who were particularly affected. For high schools, consider holding a flag lowering ceremony where the entire school attends, or have a moment of silence. For younger kids, depending on what they have heard, do something to mark the occasion. Provide a space for mourning. Children often want to help, sending letters, prayers, something to the Newton community, or to Sandy Hook elementary, are all ways for children to mourn, and feel like they have some power in dealing with this tragedy.
Lastly, many people are deeply concerned that these children who experienced this at Sandy Hook Elementary are now scarred for life. Please know that there are good, evidenced based, effective, non-pharmaceutical treatments available for children and adults who have experienced a trauma. Not every therapist knows how to do them, and typical talk therapy doesn't cut it. If you are looking for a therapist to help heal after trauma, make sure they are trained in Trauma Art Narrative Therapy, Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). These are the only evidenced based treatments available, and other interventions can often just bleed the wound, not heal it.
