5 Reasons He"s Just Not That Into Sex with You and The Repairs That Work
Find out much more about great sex by downloading Dr. Stephanie Buehler's free e-book, Sexual Discoveries at [http://www.yourpassionexpert.com]. Dr. Buehler is a licensed psychologist, sex therapist, and Director of The Buehler Institute in Southern California.
Guys are just not that complicated--for the most part anyway. If you're in a relationship already, absent a big, hairy, relationship-threatening issue like infidelity, abuse, addiction or a significant medical problem, a guy's unwillingness to make love frequently falls into one of several categories. Sometimes there's overlap, but most of them are readily fixable. Let's look at some of them and how to fix them.
1. He's Fried
Stress and sex have weird relationship in most guys' heads. On one hand, making love is a great way to relieve stress and make life better. On the other, if he's tired, overwhelmed, distracted, or relying on alcohol or sleep aids just to get a few hours of sleep, sex is just not going to happen.
If it's a short-term problem -- a major presentation in a couple of weeks, a new job, final exams, a sick parent or kid -- the desire will probably come back when the problem resolves. Hang in there. Bring him a cup of coffee. Rub his neck. Since he's probably doing what ever it is in part to benefit you, let him know you've noticed, you see his efforts, and that you're looking forward to having him back. Maybe you even give him something to look forward to.
If the problem appears to be long term, for instance a lay off, money problems, or a prolonged illness, waiting just isn't practical. Life -- and love -- go on, even when lousy things happen. You need to talk, he needs to know that you see he's upset and that you'd like to help. It may not lead directly to sex, but it should lead to a stronger relationship. Which should lead indirectly to sex.
2. You Made Him Angry
Maybe he screwed up and you busted his chops. Maybe too much. Maybe too long. Maybe in front of the wrong people. Maybe you screwed up and he isn't ready to forgive yet. Whatever the problem, life is too short to go around permanently cheesed off at one another. If a sincere apology needs to be made, apologize. Sincerely. If something got broken, get it fixed. If it's a big problem or happens all the time figure out how to make it work. If you can't figure it out, get some help. Friends, parents, clergy, or a therapist can all be helpful. Just make sure that there goal is to fix the problem, and not reinforce who was right and who was wrong in the first place.
3. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Boredom is deadly to sex. If all the two of you are talking about is what you're buying at the store and what's going on with your kids, it's no wonder he has no urge to merge. Find a joint interest, or find out more about one of his. Find out when the local museum has a free or discount night. Don't like art? Who cares? It's not the issue. Difference is the issue. Hit the swap meet, go for a walk in the woods, find a new fishing spot, wash the sheets and clean up the bedroom. Swap off who picks where you go. What ever it is, try it. If that doesn't work try something else. Anything to get you talking without criticism is a good thing.
4. The Visuals Aren't Working
Maybe it comes from our hunter/gatherer ancestors. Most men are visually driven, probably because in order to be good hunters, they had to pick the antelope out from the tall grass and focus on it until it was down and dinner. What they see is important. Therefore, what you look like is important. If you've been sleeping in the same stretched out T-shirt and torn granny panties you've had since the Reagan administration, it may be time to change. Unless that's what floats his boat.
And just so we're clear, you are not competing with the 102 pound models with big breasts. You're real and they're not. But they may give you hints of what he likes: Tight T-shirt and jeans, you in his dress shirt, something sheer and pretty, or nothing at all? Maybe just brushing your teeth and running a brush through your hair a little more often is enough. He'll let you know when you have it right.
5. He Has Needs, Too
There is something he wants to try in bed, but hasn't brought up. Maybe he doesn't even know what it is. Maybe he's too embarrassed. But it's there. Why not try it? And not just once, maybe a couple of times until you both get the hang of it. If it works, great. If not, well, it's just one more thing to laugh about together.
The point is not that he gets to do what he wants. The point is that you are trying something new together. Willingly, to make each other happy and fulfilled. That effort and not the act that it leads to is what's important.
Guys are just not that complicated--for the most part anyway. If you're in a relationship already, absent a big, hairy, relationship-threatening issue like infidelity, abuse, addiction or a significant medical problem, a guy's unwillingness to make love frequently falls into one of several categories. Sometimes there's overlap, but most of them are readily fixable. Let's look at some of them and how to fix them.
1. He's Fried
Stress and sex have weird relationship in most guys' heads. On one hand, making love is a great way to relieve stress and make life better. On the other, if he's tired, overwhelmed, distracted, or relying on alcohol or sleep aids just to get a few hours of sleep, sex is just not going to happen.
If it's a short-term problem -- a major presentation in a couple of weeks, a new job, final exams, a sick parent or kid -- the desire will probably come back when the problem resolves. Hang in there. Bring him a cup of coffee. Rub his neck. Since he's probably doing what ever it is in part to benefit you, let him know you've noticed, you see his efforts, and that you're looking forward to having him back. Maybe you even give him something to look forward to.
If the problem appears to be long term, for instance a lay off, money problems, or a prolonged illness, waiting just isn't practical. Life -- and love -- go on, even when lousy things happen. You need to talk, he needs to know that you see he's upset and that you'd like to help. It may not lead directly to sex, but it should lead to a stronger relationship. Which should lead indirectly to sex.
2. You Made Him Angry
Maybe he screwed up and you busted his chops. Maybe too much. Maybe too long. Maybe in front of the wrong people. Maybe you screwed up and he isn't ready to forgive yet. Whatever the problem, life is too short to go around permanently cheesed off at one another. If a sincere apology needs to be made, apologize. Sincerely. If something got broken, get it fixed. If it's a big problem or happens all the time figure out how to make it work. If you can't figure it out, get some help. Friends, parents, clergy, or a therapist can all be helpful. Just make sure that there goal is to fix the problem, and not reinforce who was right and who was wrong in the first place.
3. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Boredom is deadly to sex. If all the two of you are talking about is what you're buying at the store and what's going on with your kids, it's no wonder he has no urge to merge. Find a joint interest, or find out more about one of his. Find out when the local museum has a free or discount night. Don't like art? Who cares? It's not the issue. Difference is the issue. Hit the swap meet, go for a walk in the woods, find a new fishing spot, wash the sheets and clean up the bedroom. Swap off who picks where you go. What ever it is, try it. If that doesn't work try something else. Anything to get you talking without criticism is a good thing.
4. The Visuals Aren't Working
Maybe it comes from our hunter/gatherer ancestors. Most men are visually driven, probably because in order to be good hunters, they had to pick the antelope out from the tall grass and focus on it until it was down and dinner. What they see is important. Therefore, what you look like is important. If you've been sleeping in the same stretched out T-shirt and torn granny panties you've had since the Reagan administration, it may be time to change. Unless that's what floats his boat.
And just so we're clear, you are not competing with the 102 pound models with big breasts. You're real and they're not. But they may give you hints of what he likes: Tight T-shirt and jeans, you in his dress shirt, something sheer and pretty, or nothing at all? Maybe just brushing your teeth and running a brush through your hair a little more often is enough. He'll let you know when you have it right.
5. He Has Needs, Too
There is something he wants to try in bed, but hasn't brought up. Maybe he doesn't even know what it is. Maybe he's too embarrassed. But it's there. Why not try it? And not just once, maybe a couple of times until you both get the hang of it. If it works, great. If not, well, it's just one more thing to laugh about together.
The point is not that he gets to do what he wants. The point is that you are trying something new together. Willingly, to make each other happy and fulfilled. That effort and not the act that it leads to is what's important.