Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians
- "Education is worth a whole lot.
Just think - with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the average lawyer.
"-- Grace Allen (Gracie) - "It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first.
I know it seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's no sillier than asking anyone else.
"-- Grace Allen (Gracie) - "Build a better mousetrap than your neighbour and Kraft Cheese will beat a path to your door.
"-- Grace Allen (Gracie) - "First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
"-- George Burns - "Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded.
Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
"-- George Burns - "For forty years my act consisted of one joke.
And then she died.
"-- George Burns - "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city.
"-- George Burns - "Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
"-- George Burns - "Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
"-- Johnny Carson - "Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
"-- Johnny Carson - "Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
"-- Johnny Carson - "I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food.
"-- Johnny Carson - "The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
"-- Johnny Carson - "Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
"Bill Cosby - ""Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to say.
"When it hits you, you won't know it.
""Bill Cosby - "Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli.
"Bill Cosby - "Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.
"Bill Cosby - "I wasn't always black...
There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.
"Bill Cosby - "Immortality is a long shot, I admit.
But somebody has to be first.
"Bill Cosby - "I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
"-- Rita Rudner - "I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know.
I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better.
It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
"-- Rita Rudner - "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
"-- Rita Rudner - "I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
"-- Rita Rudner - "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
"-- Rita Rudner - "Men hate to lose.
I once beat my husband at tennis.
I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other.
""-- Rita Rudner - "I always did well on the essay questions.
Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it.
"-- Jerry Seinfeld - "No face, mouth open ...
that is how the drug companies see the public.
"-- Jerry Seinfeld - "On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'"-- Jerry Seinfeld
- "People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
"-- Jerry Seinfeld - "The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
"-- Jerry Seinfeld - "Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
"-- Steven Wright - "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
So I had to buy them again.
"-- Steven Wright - "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
"-- Steven Wright - "If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"-- Steven Wright
- "Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here.
""-- Steven Wright
