Breakup Tips For Men
MOST MEN DON'T SEE IT COMING.
The breakup--that is.
Here's a very common story--one that I have seen over and over in my 30 years of helping couples navigate relationships.
Elaine had been telling Jim for several years--that she thought they needed to get some objective help with their relationship.
No matter what they argued about, they always seem to end up in the same place, in the same argument, with no resolution.
Periodically, she would bring up the idea of going to see a counselor and he would say, "no, we don't need that: we can solve it ourselves.
" By the time they came to see me, they had become experts at having that same argument with no resolution, they weren't having any fun, and sex was very rare.
When it did happen, there were problems there too.
The only chance I saw for them to break the cycle was to go through with the separation she was requesting.
Actually, that really was a fairly hopeful option.
Elaine had no desire to date anyone else, but she needed to have some time and space to think and decide what she wants.
She was more than willing to date her husband to see what they could re-kindle, but she asked him for a couple of weeks with no contact before they would start to date again.
It was one of the best scenarios you could have for a separation.
Jim was IN SHOCK.
He truly could not believe she was going to do this, even though he was quite unhappy himself at this point.
Women leave relationships...
primarily because they don't feel loved, respected and appreciated.
Part of the shock is that a man may have those same missing needs, but he is less likely to leave unless he has another woman that interests him.
Most men will tell you-if they're honest-that they don't want to be alone.
So, guys are more likely to stay in a relationship, even when it's not fulfilling their needs.
So back to Elaine and Jim.
They agreed on the 'rules of the separation.
' They would not date others, they would date one another and he would give her at least a couple of weeks to herself.
Jim made the most common mistakes most men make if they don't understand the consequences.
He ignored her wish to be left alone and began calling, texting, emailing and driving by her apartment.
AND, he kept telling her how he had changed...
and how things would be different.
He followed his emotions, which primarily centered around his panic that he really was going to lose her.
He did what men do: he took action.
It was so difficult to 'do nothing' about it.
Unfortunately, he did not respect her wishes and that never goes very well.
It's just so important that you don't waste your chances by doing the wrong things.
Yes, there are definite things you can do that will make her stay away and things you can do to pull her closer.
If a man doesn't feel loved and admired, he is more likely to find it in another woman...
before he would leave his current relationship.
So to Jim's way of thinking, her actions didn't make sense.
So the question is: "Isn't there anything Jim could do?--to have some control over his fate?" Well, wait a minute.
Don't give up quite yet.
You can do several things that will make it more likely that she would re-consider.
However, in the first 2 weeks, it's more important to pay attention to WHAT NOT TO DO, if you want to win her back.
But this is a time that takes real strength.
You're hurting pretty badly if you are reading this because of a breakup, and now you have to stay away? What would you do if you were in Jim's place? Here are some very important tips: Respect her wishes: do not contact here for at least 2 weeks.
Don't try to convince her of how much you've changed, if she makes contact with you.
Think about what she said when she left.
She probably gave you a reason, but it's likely that, after she announced she was leaving, you didn't hear anything else.
Stay away from being defensive.
By this I mean-don't start rationalizing and making excuses for your behavior.
This is not something you can talk her out of at this point.
Chances are that you have already done some of this...
well, don't feel guilty...
just don't do it anymore.
And by all means, don't tell her immediately that you know you were wrong and that you will change.
She usually will not accept that...
and even if she did...
it's not likely to last.
You know why? Because she knows that you can't predict that in the heat of this moment, and it will just seem like a lame, frantic attempt to keep her from leaving...
and she won't buy it.
So how did it end up for Elaine and Jim? Jim was able to make her feel guilty for leaving him for a while...
and there was some on-again-off-again dating, but he kept trying to talk her into coming back.
Eventually, she gave up trying, as nothing changed.
Breakups for Men Are Different; if the goal is to win your ex girl back, you can't always do what comes naturally.
The breakup--that is.
Here's a very common story--one that I have seen over and over in my 30 years of helping couples navigate relationships.
Elaine had been telling Jim for several years--that she thought they needed to get some objective help with their relationship.
No matter what they argued about, they always seem to end up in the same place, in the same argument, with no resolution.
Periodically, she would bring up the idea of going to see a counselor and he would say, "no, we don't need that: we can solve it ourselves.
" By the time they came to see me, they had become experts at having that same argument with no resolution, they weren't having any fun, and sex was very rare.
When it did happen, there were problems there too.
The only chance I saw for them to break the cycle was to go through with the separation she was requesting.
Actually, that really was a fairly hopeful option.
Elaine had no desire to date anyone else, but she needed to have some time and space to think and decide what she wants.
She was more than willing to date her husband to see what they could re-kindle, but she asked him for a couple of weeks with no contact before they would start to date again.
It was one of the best scenarios you could have for a separation.
Jim was IN SHOCK.
He truly could not believe she was going to do this, even though he was quite unhappy himself at this point.
Women leave relationships...
primarily because they don't feel loved, respected and appreciated.
Part of the shock is that a man may have those same missing needs, but he is less likely to leave unless he has another woman that interests him.
Most men will tell you-if they're honest-that they don't want to be alone.
So, guys are more likely to stay in a relationship, even when it's not fulfilling their needs.
So back to Elaine and Jim.
They agreed on the 'rules of the separation.
' They would not date others, they would date one another and he would give her at least a couple of weeks to herself.
Jim made the most common mistakes most men make if they don't understand the consequences.
He ignored her wish to be left alone and began calling, texting, emailing and driving by her apartment.
AND, he kept telling her how he had changed...
and how things would be different.
He followed his emotions, which primarily centered around his panic that he really was going to lose her.
He did what men do: he took action.
It was so difficult to 'do nothing' about it.
Unfortunately, he did not respect her wishes and that never goes very well.
It's just so important that you don't waste your chances by doing the wrong things.
Yes, there are definite things you can do that will make her stay away and things you can do to pull her closer.
If a man doesn't feel loved and admired, he is more likely to find it in another woman...
before he would leave his current relationship.
So to Jim's way of thinking, her actions didn't make sense.
So the question is: "Isn't there anything Jim could do?--to have some control over his fate?" Well, wait a minute.
Don't give up quite yet.
You can do several things that will make it more likely that she would re-consider.
However, in the first 2 weeks, it's more important to pay attention to WHAT NOT TO DO, if you want to win her back.
But this is a time that takes real strength.
You're hurting pretty badly if you are reading this because of a breakup, and now you have to stay away? What would you do if you were in Jim's place? Here are some very important tips: Respect her wishes: do not contact here for at least 2 weeks.
Don't try to convince her of how much you've changed, if she makes contact with you.
Think about what she said when she left.
She probably gave you a reason, but it's likely that, after she announced she was leaving, you didn't hear anything else.
Stay away from being defensive.
By this I mean-don't start rationalizing and making excuses for your behavior.
This is not something you can talk her out of at this point.
Chances are that you have already done some of this...
well, don't feel guilty...
just don't do it anymore.
And by all means, don't tell her immediately that you know you were wrong and that you will change.
She usually will not accept that...
and even if she did...
it's not likely to last.
You know why? Because she knows that you can't predict that in the heat of this moment, and it will just seem like a lame, frantic attempt to keep her from leaving...
and she won't buy it.
So how did it end up for Elaine and Jim? Jim was able to make her feel guilty for leaving him for a while...
and there was some on-again-off-again dating, but he kept trying to talk her into coming back.
Eventually, she gave up trying, as nothing changed.
Breakups for Men Are Different; if the goal is to win your ex girl back, you can't always do what comes naturally.
