How to Change Your Child"s Behavior the Right Way - Teaching Vs Controlling
What do unicorns, Atlantis, and the Easter bunny all have in common? You guessed it! They are all myths.
That's not to say that believing in myths is always bad.
I'm a big fan of the tooth fairy and Santa and will happily continue to propagate those fairy tales to my children and their children.
There are, however, some myths that can be harmful to us if we choose to believe them.
Among one of these is the notion that as parents we can control our children.
Before I became a life coach, I was employed with a non-profit organization that worked with at-risk families.
It was very much like unto what you see on Nanny 911 and Super Nanny on TV.
I learned a number of lessons from this experience, but the most poignant of them was that when you try to control your child it only causes anger, resentment, and eventually rebellion.
Children who feel manipulated and abused will turn to drugs, sex, and all other kinds of delinquent behavior as a result of such treatment.
Certainly this is often the case for children who suffer parental neglect, but that is outside the scope of this article.
The good news is that in order to get the desired behavior from your child, there is a better and more effective way.
It is called teaching.
When you teach your child what you expect from them, it gives them a clear idea of what the appropriate choice or behavior would be in a given situation.
Believe it or not, children don't always make bad choices spitefully.
More often than not, I believe it's because they haven't been taught a better way.
By nature we avoid behaviors that cause us pain and continue behaviors that produce positive results.
When you train a dog, you teach them the desired behavior and then when they do it, you reward them.
Children learn the same way.
Sit down with your child, teach them the appropriate response in a situation, and reward them when they apply it correctly.
Conversely, if you've taught them and they don't obey, you extend a fair consequence and teach them the principle again.
You continue this process until they get it right - always encouraging and motivating them along the way.
How do you know if as a parent you're teaching or controlling? Controlling is negative, demanding, reactive, and punitive when mistakes are made.
Teaching is positive, instructional, focuses on prevention and openly invites free agency of the child.
Through this consistent teaching process, your child will learn how to live independently, responsibly and happily and they'll do it because THEY chose to, not because you forced them - and they will love you for it.
That's not to say that believing in myths is always bad.
I'm a big fan of the tooth fairy and Santa and will happily continue to propagate those fairy tales to my children and their children.
There are, however, some myths that can be harmful to us if we choose to believe them.
Among one of these is the notion that as parents we can control our children.
Before I became a life coach, I was employed with a non-profit organization that worked with at-risk families.
It was very much like unto what you see on Nanny 911 and Super Nanny on TV.
I learned a number of lessons from this experience, but the most poignant of them was that when you try to control your child it only causes anger, resentment, and eventually rebellion.
Children who feel manipulated and abused will turn to drugs, sex, and all other kinds of delinquent behavior as a result of such treatment.
Certainly this is often the case for children who suffer parental neglect, but that is outside the scope of this article.
The good news is that in order to get the desired behavior from your child, there is a better and more effective way.
It is called teaching.
When you teach your child what you expect from them, it gives them a clear idea of what the appropriate choice or behavior would be in a given situation.
Believe it or not, children don't always make bad choices spitefully.
More often than not, I believe it's because they haven't been taught a better way.
By nature we avoid behaviors that cause us pain and continue behaviors that produce positive results.
When you train a dog, you teach them the desired behavior and then when they do it, you reward them.
Children learn the same way.
Sit down with your child, teach them the appropriate response in a situation, and reward them when they apply it correctly.
Conversely, if you've taught them and they don't obey, you extend a fair consequence and teach them the principle again.
You continue this process until they get it right - always encouraging and motivating them along the way.
How do you know if as a parent you're teaching or controlling? Controlling is negative, demanding, reactive, and punitive when mistakes are made.
Teaching is positive, instructional, focuses on prevention and openly invites free agency of the child.
Through this consistent teaching process, your child will learn how to live independently, responsibly and happily and they'll do it because THEY chose to, not because you forced them - and they will love you for it.
