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Love the sports columnist’s description of the champion basketball player. But wait. He could have been writing about the Mercedes-Benz Sprinter Crew Van.

“He was always just . . . the head-down, plow forward incarnation. . .  watch him trudge slowly up court . . . a turtle trying to catch molasses at times.”

Mike Wise of the Washington Postwrote that about Tim Duncan, the “Old Man River Walk” of the San Antonio Spurs.

“The unhip uncle in a league of cool kids stood taller than everyone,” Wise wrote about Duncan in the final game where the Spurs beat the Miami Heat and LeBron James for the NBA championship.

That could have described the Sprinter, which is eight feet tall and gets the job done—sort of like Duncan.

Everyone knows that the full size pickup truck is the unquestioned champion of hipness and heavy loads, lording it over dumb family sedans and impressing people of the opposite sex.

Cargo vans? Think unhip practicality, and weatherproof cargo and people hauling. The Sprinter? Think standing tall and Tim Duncan and maybe a few other players like Muggsy Bogues, the shortest NBA player ever at 5 feet 3 inches tall.

Bogues could stand up in the Sprinter’s cargo area and oversee Duncan and three other NBA players shooting craps on the floor. The Sprinter is that big.

The test Sprinter was the “standard” 2500 Crew Van: eight feet tall, 19 feet 5 inches long and a cargo bed that stretches nearly 11 feet long.

The tester’s bed was a bit shorter because it was equipped to carry a crew of five people with bucket seats up front and a second row for three.Other versions with more seats can carry about a dozen NBA players sitting down. And they are even sometimes equipped as luxury limousines like the one in which Saturday Night Live star Tracy Morgan was seriously injured and comedian James McNair was killed when their Sprinter limo was rear-ended by a tractor-trailer truck in Delaware.

The Sprinter was invented by Mercedes-Benz back in 1995 and has borne different nameplates, including Dodge when Daimler and Chrysler were merged in the late 1990s and early 2000s.

Its NBA center height of eight feet makes it instantly recognized everywhere, even though you wonder sometimes why it needs all that elevation. Usually, panel vans are less than seven feet tall. The Sprinter likely could be useful for hauling diminutive basketball players. Standing up, you probably could carry two five-man Muggsy teams.

From a driver's standpoint, the Sprinter is daunting, though it performs well within its own parameters. First, you have to climb up into the driver’s seat, which requires grabbing anything handy and flexing muscles to climb a couple of steep steps. Once there, you have a commanding view of the road, like driving on stilts.

For passengers, there’s a sliding door on the right side. The test Sprinter had an optional power step that slides out to ease entry when you open the door. Otherwise, you need a chauffeur who runs around and places a step stool for the passengers.

Driving actually can be pleasant as long as you don’t try to do too much. You have to swing way wide on turns so you don’t bash the inside rear wheel, and most other moves should be made in slow motion. The Sprinter’s turning diameter actually is fairly tight at 47.6 feet for such a big vehicle, so maneuvering is relatively easy once you account for all the vision-blocking sheet metal.

On the road, you sit in a reasonably comfortable bucket seat looking down at lesser humans and machinery. You never feel deprived in traffic because the tested Sprinter is powered by a 161 horsepower, 2.1-liter four-cylinder diesel engine that delivers 266 lb.-ft. of torque, which gives the Sprinter a good surge off the line. The seven-speed automatic transmission is well matched to the engine and shifts smoothly.

Unless you have a custom Sprinter limousine, however, don’t expect much in the way of luxury. Riding in the test vehicle was something like spelunking in a large cave, meaning that sounds from the modest audio system reverberated around and sometimes caught up to themselves.

Still, if your significant other needs you and a bunch of friends to move to a different apartment, it would be hard to find a better friend than the Sprinter Crew van. It would swallow sofa, bed and everything, and you could take four pals out for beers later.

Specifications

• Model: 2014 Mercedes-Benz Sprinter 2500 Crew Van.
• Engine: 2.1-liter four-cylinder diesel, 161 horsepower, 266 lb.-ft. torque.
• Transmission: Seven-speed automatic.
• Overall length: 19 feet 5 inches.
• Weight: 5,081 pounds.
• Towing capability: 5,000 pounds.
• Fuel consumption: N/A. Estimated overall 20 mpg empty.
• Base price, including destination charge: $38,705.
• Price as tested: $49,300.