Changing Teenager"s Behavior-A Word About Curfews
Changing Teenager's Behavior-A Word About Curfews
I've been a child psychologist for 26 years. Here's a short summary of
some of the things parents consider when it comes to curfew; that variable time
of night or day when kids should be home from the parent's perspective, and
when they actually arrive, and the implications of both. This is the third
in a series of article on Changing Teenager's Behavior. The First article
covered Cell Phones. The Second covered Grades.
Parents are more prone to fudge when consequences are less; for example
when their teen comes home a half-hour after curfew on a Friday night.
Parents rationalize their teen can sleep later Saturday morning, ignoring the
underlying defiance. On Saturday morning, the teenager will probably sleep in,
but on that day, s/he may be just a little bit friendlier or more helpful or
better behaved around the parents. This subtly celebrates the fact the teenager
"got away" with something (the "dark side" of individuation), but also tells the
parents the teen is aware of the slip up (if it really was "accidental") and is
paying penance. The parents use the temporary but appreciated "sudden"
conformity to behavioral and other expectations as justification to ignore the
previous night's violation of curfew, thus avoiding the unpleasantness of
confronting the teen and at the same time reinforcing looking the other way.
This little game both parties play is a step-by-step manifestation--the minutiae
of "The Dance." ("The Dance" is a concept that is discussed in great detail in
an ebook entitled: How To Change Teenager's Behavior, which is linked to the
author's website, below.) While it isn't primarily pathological, it does
illustrate the levels of interaction and some of the games parents and teenagers
play in working out privilege. The bottom line for most parents is subjective.
At some point parents say to themselves, "My teenager is mostly OK, therefore,
s/he gets ______________." In the first article in this series, that referred
to cell phones. In the second article, that could have referred to any behavior
as long as the school grades are high enough, which is also subjective.
This kind of thinking depends in part upon the totals of the tally sheet of
expected good teenager behaviors compared with the "other" ones. So, in this
respect, parental expectation, temperaments, and adult circumstances play an
important part in deciding what is OK, or not, and what rewards will follow what
contingency of behaviors. Sometimes, parents are compromised too much and they
tolerate less, but sometimes that investment paid off the night before, so one or
another egregious teen behavior is more likely to be ignored.
In general, in trying to determine whether a behavior is normal or should be
of concern, you can ask the following questions. How different is the behavior or
attitude when compared with other children in his or her age group or his or her
normal personality? How frequently does it occur? Does it interfere with others
or with your child's ability to cope with his or her environment or to get along
with people (not only his or her parents, but teachers, coaches, friends, neighbors,
and others whom s/he deals with on a daily basis)? Don't hesitate to ask other
parents about what their teenager does. Don't hesitate to read. Don't hesitate
to wait until you have your wits about you before you decide whether some behavior
is OK, or not. Don't be pressured by your teen's insistence, impulsivity or
impatience. If in doubt, consult with a behavioral health professional.
-Dr.Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html
I've been a child psychologist for 26 years. Here's a short summary of
some of the things parents consider when it comes to curfew; that variable time
of night or day when kids should be home from the parent's perspective, and
when they actually arrive, and the implications of both. This is the third
in a series of article on Changing Teenager's Behavior. The First article
covered Cell Phones. The Second covered Grades.
Parents are more prone to fudge when consequences are less; for example
when their teen comes home a half-hour after curfew on a Friday night.
Parents rationalize their teen can sleep later Saturday morning, ignoring the
underlying defiance. On Saturday morning, the teenager will probably sleep in,
but on that day, s/he may be just a little bit friendlier or more helpful or
better behaved around the parents. This subtly celebrates the fact the teenager
"got away" with something (the "dark side" of individuation), but also tells the
parents the teen is aware of the slip up (if it really was "accidental") and is
paying penance. The parents use the temporary but appreciated "sudden"
conformity to behavioral and other expectations as justification to ignore the
previous night's violation of curfew, thus avoiding the unpleasantness of
confronting the teen and at the same time reinforcing looking the other way.
This little game both parties play is a step-by-step manifestation--the minutiae
of "The Dance." ("The Dance" is a concept that is discussed in great detail in
an ebook entitled: How To Change Teenager's Behavior, which is linked to the
author's website, below.) While it isn't primarily pathological, it does
illustrate the levels of interaction and some of the games parents and teenagers
play in working out privilege. The bottom line for most parents is subjective.
At some point parents say to themselves, "My teenager is mostly OK, therefore,
s/he gets ______________." In the first article in this series, that referred
to cell phones. In the second article, that could have referred to any behavior
as long as the school grades are high enough, which is also subjective.
This kind of thinking depends in part upon the totals of the tally sheet of
expected good teenager behaviors compared with the "other" ones. So, in this
respect, parental expectation, temperaments, and adult circumstances play an
important part in deciding what is OK, or not, and what rewards will follow what
contingency of behaviors. Sometimes, parents are compromised too much and they
tolerate less, but sometimes that investment paid off the night before, so one or
another egregious teen behavior is more likely to be ignored.
In general, in trying to determine whether a behavior is normal or should be
of concern, you can ask the following questions. How different is the behavior or
attitude when compared with other children in his or her age group or his or her
normal personality? How frequently does it occur? Does it interfere with others
or with your child's ability to cope with his or her environment or to get along
with people (not only his or her parents, but teachers, coaches, friends, neighbors,
and others whom s/he deals with on a daily basis)? Don't hesitate to ask other
parents about what their teenager does. Don't hesitate to read. Don't hesitate
to wait until you have your wits about you before you decide whether some behavior
is OK, or not. Don't be pressured by your teen's insistence, impulsivity or
impatience. If in doubt, consult with a behavioral health professional.
-Dr.Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html
