My Struggle with Post-Partum Depression
It all started out so innocently. For as long as I could remember I had wanted to have a baby. When my husband and I finally got on the same page about it though it took what felt like forever. In actuality it took 16 months of trying to conceive our 1st child. I was scared to death from the moment I realized I was pregnant. I worried about finances, whether we could care properly for this baby, whether we would be good parents. I spent my whole pregnancy in what felt like a pressure cooker. The possibility of developing post-partum depression never entered my mind, although my husband was concerned about the possibility.
The signs of post-partum depression were all there right from early on...I wouldn't let anyone, even my own husband hold the baby (or rarely unless I was forced). Our son was 6 weeks old before my husband even got to hold him. I couldn't sleep; every little noise put me on high alert and I was wide awake for hours after that. I got so desperate for sleep that I started putting Vick's VapoRub as close to my eyes as I possibly could without actually getting it in my eyes so that my eyes would be forced to close and maybe I would get some sleep. Sometimes I would even put a heating pad over my head in an effort to drown out the noise so that I could sleep (it would be on which is obviously very dangerous!)
I would get angry at the drop of the hat that I wasn't getting more help around the house despite the fact that I made sure that our house was in immaculate condition rather than spending time with our son.
My world came crashing down after our son's first Christmas. I couldn't stand the fact that he was 5 months old and not sleeping through the night. He did for a very short period of time but I was so worried about every little noise that he made that I never let him learn to self sooth. Soon I had a baby that was up crying for me every 90 minutes all night.
I remember the night so clearly. I was exhausted, I was frustrated and I just couldn't do it anymore. I left my son sobbing alone in his crib for hours while I planned my escape. I snuck downstairs so as to not wake my husband, found a suitcase in our storage room and went back upstairs to pack. I had no plan as to where I was going, but I knew I had to leave. I packed my suitcase and I went to my son's room to say goodbye. I looked down at this little helpless baby, racked with sobs from hours of crying alone in his crib, and I knew in my heart I just couldn't leave. I scooped him out of his crib, brought him to bed with me and we cuddled as we cried each other to sleep.
The next morning, I finally acknowledged that I had post-partum depression and that I needed help. I phoned my doctor's office and when I started crying on the phone with the nurse she must have sensed that something was really wrong and she found me an appointment for a few hours later. My doctor listened to my description of my symptoms of post-partum depression including disconnect from my son, insomnia, anxiety, and crying spells and she immediately diagnosed me with post-partum depression. She started me on an antidepressant that day. It took some time and some adjusting of the medication but I eventually began to improve and began to finally enjoy my son. For now my journey through the darkness of Post-Partum Depression was over.
The signs of post-partum depression were all there right from early on...I wouldn't let anyone, even my own husband hold the baby (or rarely unless I was forced). Our son was 6 weeks old before my husband even got to hold him. I couldn't sleep; every little noise put me on high alert and I was wide awake for hours after that. I got so desperate for sleep that I started putting Vick's VapoRub as close to my eyes as I possibly could without actually getting it in my eyes so that my eyes would be forced to close and maybe I would get some sleep. Sometimes I would even put a heating pad over my head in an effort to drown out the noise so that I could sleep (it would be on which is obviously very dangerous!)
I would get angry at the drop of the hat that I wasn't getting more help around the house despite the fact that I made sure that our house was in immaculate condition rather than spending time with our son.
My world came crashing down after our son's first Christmas. I couldn't stand the fact that he was 5 months old and not sleeping through the night. He did for a very short period of time but I was so worried about every little noise that he made that I never let him learn to self sooth. Soon I had a baby that was up crying for me every 90 minutes all night.
I remember the night so clearly. I was exhausted, I was frustrated and I just couldn't do it anymore. I left my son sobbing alone in his crib for hours while I planned my escape. I snuck downstairs so as to not wake my husband, found a suitcase in our storage room and went back upstairs to pack. I had no plan as to where I was going, but I knew I had to leave. I packed my suitcase and I went to my son's room to say goodbye. I looked down at this little helpless baby, racked with sobs from hours of crying alone in his crib, and I knew in my heart I just couldn't leave. I scooped him out of his crib, brought him to bed with me and we cuddled as we cried each other to sleep.
The next morning, I finally acknowledged that I had post-partum depression and that I needed help. I phoned my doctor's office and when I started crying on the phone with the nurse she must have sensed that something was really wrong and she found me an appointment for a few hours later. My doctor listened to my description of my symptoms of post-partum depression including disconnect from my son, insomnia, anxiety, and crying spells and she immediately diagnosed me with post-partum depression. She started me on an antidepressant that day. It took some time and some adjusting of the medication but I eventually began to improve and began to finally enjoy my son. For now my journey through the darkness of Post-Partum Depression was over.
