Question: I Disagree With Spanking as Discipline. How Can I Get My Ex to Agree With Me?

Help! My ex believes in spanking our children. However, I strongly disagree with spanking, and I've noticed that our son now seems more likely to lash out at his friends and behave violently. I've tried to talk with my ex-husband about it, but he won't listen to me. What can I do?

Answer:

It's not uncommon for co-parents to disagree over discipline issues, particularly when it comes to spanking.

In order to help your ex see your point-of-view, I would strongly recommend that you continue to speak with him about your wishes. However, make sure that you approach this issue from the perspective of wanting to share what's working for you and your kids, rather than passing judgment on his decisions. I say this not because I have no problem with his choices; like you, I'm an advocate of non-violent, non-physical child discipline. However, you will have a better chance of being "heard" if you present your case without sounding judgmental. In addition:

• Have a consistent discipline plan in place. For example, after two warnings, your kids miss out on a special privilege (like watching TV or playing video games).
• Share that plan with your ex-husband. Let him know what your plan is and that it's working for you. This is the biggest evidence you can give to prove that he doesn't have to resort to spanking as discipline.
• Let your ex know that you have discipline issues, too. Be specific. Let him know that the kids aren't angels with you; you face the same issues he does.

• Let him know how spanking is affecting your kids. Again, be specific. You mentioned that you've noticed an increase in your son's tendency to lash out at others. Let your ex-husband know this, and remember to include him on any related communication you've received from your child's school or daycare provider.
• Ask your ex to try the discipline tactics that are working for you. Your kids need stability and consistency, and employing the same (or at least similar) discipline strategies is an often-overlooked opportunity to create continuity between your two homes. In fact, employing strategies that are similar to what your children's teachers use will make it even easier for your kids to comply.
• Celebrate success. Make a point of thanking your ex and acknowledging his efforts when he does try to implement the discipline plan you are suggesting, in place of using spanking as discipline. In addition, communicating that you're grateful for his efforts can go a long way toward furthering a productive, collaborative co-parenting relationship.