After an article appeared in Lesbian Life about a woman who was afraid of penetration I heard from Connie van Gils, co-author of the book The Closed Woman, about vaginism, printed in the Netherlands. Connie also works at the Ihlia gay and lesbian archives in the Netherlands. She agreed to answer some questions about vaginism:

My name is Connie van Gils. I am bisexual and I suffered from primary vaginism for a long time (ages 14-34). I tried to find help for the problem, but this was all quite traumatic and actually made things much worse.



When I was 32 I met sexologist Willeke Bezemer who was not only specialized in the working with vaginism, but also had a special place in her heart for vaginistic women. She helped me and and afterwards we decided to write a book together on the subject called ‘The closed women’. The book was a big hit and has been reprinted many times. She did the informative part and I interviewed many women on the subject.

I do not suffer from vaginism anymore, I enjoy penetration when it is performed by my partner, but I find it still impossible to talk about the subject. If people ask me what my book is about, I cannot get myself to say it aloud and I suggest they look me up on the internet. Also penetration has and probably will never be part of my sexual fantasies. I have two healthy beautiful children and during my pregnancy and giving birth no vaginal examinations took place. I had the nicest gynecologist in Amsterdam.

Every five years I have to allow a vaginal examination. I have a very wonderful doctor, who gives me the time to sort of “leave the room” mentally before she does her thing.

This may all sounds a little heavy, but in my normal daily life it’s in the background. My partner and I have a wonderful sex life for sixteen years now. It’s no issue anymore. Just now and then when I hear lesbians talk about f**king, and dildo’s I get scared. When I see big dildos in porn or next to articles I get nauseous and turn away.

Lesbian Life: What is vaginism?

Connie van Gils: Vaginism is an unconscious reflex of the vagina or the whole region around it.

The vagina closes firmly when a finger, dildo or penis tries to enter. Also thinking about these actions can cause this reflex. Sometimes the reaction is limited to other people, sometimes or often also to herself. So she will probably not be able to insert her own fingers or use tampons. Primary vaginism is as the words say vaginism from the start. Secondary vaginism comes after a ‘normal’ start.

Is there pain associated with it?

Often vaginism starts with fear or pain or fear of pain. Later accompanied by fear for humiliation or failure.

What causes it?

There are as many causes as there are vaginistic women. Primary vaginism is normally caused by experiences in the youth. For example: A girl wets her bed sometimes at night. She tries to prevent herself from wetting her bed, so she teaches herself to close down the whole region and in the end she doesn’t know how to relax anymore. Also medical examinations to find out why she still wets her bed, or why she always has bladder infections can be very harmful. The whole region is associated with shame and guilt. Other non sexual reasons can be horse back riding or ballet.
Then there are other causes of course. When a girl has difficulty trusting other people because she is raised in a situation where the parents are completely untrustable and she has learned to be on guard all the time. Or the girl has heard about another girl in the street who was raped. Or she sees porn unexpectedly in which women are degraded or violated. Or she learns it is forbidden to have penetration before marriage, and that it is obliged after marriage. There are many many causes, and often it is a mixture.

If you look at secondary vaginism it is often a case of frequency. One partner wants all the time to penetrate and the other thinks, okay, better put my teeth together and wait until it’s over. Sex starts with pain, get worse, more pain, more clenching of the vagina etc. Even things like the loss of a mother or cat, or an abortion or miscarriage, or problems in the relationship can lead to secondary vaginism.

Are women with vaginism able to insert their own fingers into their vagina? What about tampons?

Some vaginistic women can, but many cannot do this, although inserting your own fingers or using a mini-tampon are the first things you will be able to learn in a therapeutic process. Although there are also vaginistic women who prefer their partner inserting a tampon or a pinkie or a straw for the first ‘deflowerment’, and she looks how her partner does it, with a handheld mirror. (Don’t forget helping your girl to get to tampon out!) The advantage of letting your lover do it, is that you will be less likely to faint (this happens). It is easier to concentrate on the breathing. Once the partner has ‘succeeded’, the curiosity will grow.