Caring For Aging Parents - What Do You Do With Sibling Disagreements?
The number of senior adults who are now receiving some type of intervention, assistance or help from their adult children is increasing dramatically and with it comes the possibility of strain in the family relationships.
Caring for your aging parents is what you do because you care and love them.
The problem is that not all of the siblings will help to the same degree, may totally disagree with what type of help is needed and what options to pursue or may even use their parent's decreasing abilities to their own advantage.
At some point, the 'family' becomes aware that there are issues or problems and that their Elderly Parents need help.
Don't expect everyone to agree on the amount of help needed though.
So, now the family knows that things should be addressed - what do you do? 1.
You always keep the conversations and actions focused on your elderly parents and treat them with respect.
Arguments will arise, not everyone will agree to everything but KEEP YOUR EYE and FOCUS on your parents and what they want.
2.
Make sure a log of needs is kept and up-dated, of what tasks/responsibilities each family member agrees to do and if they do it and note needs that are not being met.
Utilize each family member's strengths and try to distribute tasks as evenly as possible.
Sometimes a sibling may live too far to do much in the way of physically helping but they could spend vacation weeks there to allow the primary caregiver a break.
Or financially contribute so more help could be hired and reduce the burden on others.
Be creative and how someone can actually contribute and it will go a long way towards decreasing harsh feelings.
3.
Realize that you can only control what YOU say and do.
You have absolutely no control over your parents or siblings.
4.
Be prepared to get very creative to try to ensure everyone does participate in helping your parents and to protect the parents themselves and their assets.
5.
Make sure you have the support of your spouse, significant other, children, friends and such.
Keep communication with them open and use them for not only support but as sounding boards for your feelings and actions.
6.
Realize that there may come a time that no matter what you do, things are not going to work out well in a specific area or perhaps over all and have an idea of what your limits are and what you will do when you reach them.
Example: Since I lived beside my parents, I ended up assuming 85% of the responsibility of helping/caregiving.
One day we had to take Mom to the hospital.
The hospital told us what they wanted to do.
My Dad and sister agreed to a portion of it, as the other part we knew was something Mom didn't want (she no longer could communicate).
I disagreed and stated that non of what the hospital wanted to do should be done as Mom and I had talked before she was ill and I had made promises to her that I would make sure her desires would be done (this, even though I was the 'black sheep' of the family and least favorite child).
I explained my reasoning and that it didn't matter what I wanted but that I had to carry out what I promised to Mom.
My sister and father knew deep down that I was right, that Mom wouldn't have wanted any of what the hospital wanted to do and agreed.
The result = Mom died 3 days later, but she died on her terms and that was because I had to face my family on her behalf.
Years later, while caring for my father, it got to a point where I just couldn't handle everything (even with the help of PCAs and a housekeeper and a sister who tried a little harder to help) and I called a family meeting.
I told them that other living arrangements had to be made for Dad's well being and safety and that I could no long continue as we were.
He didn't want anything to change; my sister didn't want anything to change, and even some others.
But I had to look out for my family and myself.
I had reached the end of what I could do and I had to stick to that in the face of considerable anger, accusations and more.
I didn't like having to say 'no more' or being portrayed as not willing to do, when I had been doing a lot.
Dad never did really forgive me though for having to move but I can understand that but I had to do what was right for me and my family.
It was not my fault that other options or people to help or replace me did not or were not available.
I had done the best I could, for as long as I could.
So, be prepared for some very tough occasions, recognize that you will have limits and that others may not respect them or even be willing to take on more of the burden.
You then, have to be able to emotionally deal with those negative 'jabs', let other things just 'roll' off of your and be OK with your decisions.
As a life coach specializing in helping families and/or individuals around caring for their aging parents, they find that a coach is a great addition.
A coach can lend objectivity, creative problem solving, keeping the family focused and held accountable, allow each member to address their own concerns in relation to everything, which means better care for yourself and your parents, an easier time of caregiving, and less disagreements or hard feelings.
This is not to replace services for the parents and their needs.
I've faced having siblings not 'pulling their weight', family members in it for money, etc.
Don't go through that alone; a little life coaching can make a big difference.
Caring for your aging parents is what you do because you care and love them.
The problem is that not all of the siblings will help to the same degree, may totally disagree with what type of help is needed and what options to pursue or may even use their parent's decreasing abilities to their own advantage.
At some point, the 'family' becomes aware that there are issues or problems and that their Elderly Parents need help.
Don't expect everyone to agree on the amount of help needed though.
So, now the family knows that things should be addressed - what do you do? 1.
You always keep the conversations and actions focused on your elderly parents and treat them with respect.
Arguments will arise, not everyone will agree to everything but KEEP YOUR EYE and FOCUS on your parents and what they want.
2.
Make sure a log of needs is kept and up-dated, of what tasks/responsibilities each family member agrees to do and if they do it and note needs that are not being met.
Utilize each family member's strengths and try to distribute tasks as evenly as possible.
Sometimes a sibling may live too far to do much in the way of physically helping but they could spend vacation weeks there to allow the primary caregiver a break.
Or financially contribute so more help could be hired and reduce the burden on others.
Be creative and how someone can actually contribute and it will go a long way towards decreasing harsh feelings.
3.
Realize that you can only control what YOU say and do.
You have absolutely no control over your parents or siblings.
4.
Be prepared to get very creative to try to ensure everyone does participate in helping your parents and to protect the parents themselves and their assets.
5.
Make sure you have the support of your spouse, significant other, children, friends and such.
Keep communication with them open and use them for not only support but as sounding boards for your feelings and actions.
6.
Realize that there may come a time that no matter what you do, things are not going to work out well in a specific area or perhaps over all and have an idea of what your limits are and what you will do when you reach them.
Example: Since I lived beside my parents, I ended up assuming 85% of the responsibility of helping/caregiving.
One day we had to take Mom to the hospital.
The hospital told us what they wanted to do.
My Dad and sister agreed to a portion of it, as the other part we knew was something Mom didn't want (she no longer could communicate).
I disagreed and stated that non of what the hospital wanted to do should be done as Mom and I had talked before she was ill and I had made promises to her that I would make sure her desires would be done (this, even though I was the 'black sheep' of the family and least favorite child).
I explained my reasoning and that it didn't matter what I wanted but that I had to carry out what I promised to Mom.
My sister and father knew deep down that I was right, that Mom wouldn't have wanted any of what the hospital wanted to do and agreed.
The result = Mom died 3 days later, but she died on her terms and that was because I had to face my family on her behalf.
Years later, while caring for my father, it got to a point where I just couldn't handle everything (even with the help of PCAs and a housekeeper and a sister who tried a little harder to help) and I called a family meeting.
I told them that other living arrangements had to be made for Dad's well being and safety and that I could no long continue as we were.
He didn't want anything to change; my sister didn't want anything to change, and even some others.
But I had to look out for my family and myself.
I had reached the end of what I could do and I had to stick to that in the face of considerable anger, accusations and more.
I didn't like having to say 'no more' or being portrayed as not willing to do, when I had been doing a lot.
Dad never did really forgive me though for having to move but I can understand that but I had to do what was right for me and my family.
It was not my fault that other options or people to help or replace me did not or were not available.
I had done the best I could, for as long as I could.
So, be prepared for some very tough occasions, recognize that you will have limits and that others may not respect them or even be willing to take on more of the burden.
You then, have to be able to emotionally deal with those negative 'jabs', let other things just 'roll' off of your and be OK with your decisions.
As a life coach specializing in helping families and/or individuals around caring for their aging parents, they find that a coach is a great addition.
A coach can lend objectivity, creative problem solving, keeping the family focused and held accountable, allow each member to address their own concerns in relation to everything, which means better care for yourself and your parents, an easier time of caregiving, and less disagreements or hard feelings.
This is not to replace services for the parents and their needs.
I've faced having siblings not 'pulling their weight', family members in it for money, etc.
Don't go through that alone; a little life coaching can make a big difference.
