When Youre Becoming A Family
Everybody finds their own way to create a relationship with their children, and parents have to give each other enough space that they can both discover the unique ways in which they can relate to a new addition to the family. Part of creating that relationship, however, is showing it off to the other parent, a process that some fathers find difficult. One way for a father to show interest in a child is to be involved in celebrations; for example, a father who shops for baby Halloween costumes without being asked expresses his relationship with the child to the childs mother.
Relationships change dramatically during the first year of a new childs life, and we rarely pay enough attention to the nature of that change. In part, this is because were preoccupied with keeping the new baby alive during that year. And in part we remain silence because we all make mistakes as parents, justify those mistakes, and have trouble speaking openly and honestly about areas in which we are defensive.
The fact is that while a new addition causes us to experience an extraordinary kind of love that we cannot experience any other way, the term bundle of joy is a bit of an overstatement. Along with all the positive feelings that do greet a new arrival to the family, there are emotions of loss and frustration as well. We tend to sweep those under the rug because we dont think were supposed to feel them.
When a new baby arrives, every other relationship changes. A first child, especially, changes the dynamics of the home in fundamental ways. The arrival of a first child gives new meaning to a marriage; it is the thing that turns a couple into a family. But it also takes away the freedom and opportunity for fun that made the marriage enjoyable up to that point.
We tend to marry a person we enjoy spending time with doing things. Once were married we get a lot of joy and fun out of doing things together. When a baby arrives he suddenly becomes priority number one, and we dont get to do those things together anymore. That forces a marriage to become more about the underlying nature of being a team than it is about the superficial enjoyment of spending time together. It has to deepen, and if it doesnt deepen it cracks.
When young couples with children go into marriage counseling the main source of frustration for the wives is that the husbands dont take an active enough role in raising the children. Even in households where both parents work and a daycare is responsible for 8 or 9 hours of child rearing per day, wives often end up feeling as though they are doing more of the parenting.
This is partly because men arent forced to bond with children because of biology, whereas women are through the important process of nursing. Men, on the other hand, often feel isolated and left out of the child-rearing process, spending their time trying to find a way to connect and bond.
This is true to some degree in nearly every relationship, so any celebration that comes up during the first year or two of a childs life is an opportunity for a man to score some points with his wife. Bringing home baby Halloween costumes, a birthday cake, or best of all a half-birthday cake, is an excellent way for a father to say: Im here, and Im interested.
Relationships change dramatically during the first year of a new childs life, and we rarely pay enough attention to the nature of that change. In part, this is because were preoccupied with keeping the new baby alive during that year. And in part we remain silence because we all make mistakes as parents, justify those mistakes, and have trouble speaking openly and honestly about areas in which we are defensive.
The fact is that while a new addition causes us to experience an extraordinary kind of love that we cannot experience any other way, the term bundle of joy is a bit of an overstatement. Along with all the positive feelings that do greet a new arrival to the family, there are emotions of loss and frustration as well. We tend to sweep those under the rug because we dont think were supposed to feel them.
When a new baby arrives, every other relationship changes. A first child, especially, changes the dynamics of the home in fundamental ways. The arrival of a first child gives new meaning to a marriage; it is the thing that turns a couple into a family. But it also takes away the freedom and opportunity for fun that made the marriage enjoyable up to that point.
We tend to marry a person we enjoy spending time with doing things. Once were married we get a lot of joy and fun out of doing things together. When a baby arrives he suddenly becomes priority number one, and we dont get to do those things together anymore. That forces a marriage to become more about the underlying nature of being a team than it is about the superficial enjoyment of spending time together. It has to deepen, and if it doesnt deepen it cracks.
When young couples with children go into marriage counseling the main source of frustration for the wives is that the husbands dont take an active enough role in raising the children. Even in households where both parents work and a daycare is responsible for 8 or 9 hours of child rearing per day, wives often end up feeling as though they are doing more of the parenting.
This is partly because men arent forced to bond with children because of biology, whereas women are through the important process of nursing. Men, on the other hand, often feel isolated and left out of the child-rearing process, spending their time trying to find a way to connect and bond.
This is true to some degree in nearly every relationship, so any celebration that comes up during the first year or two of a childs life is an opportunity for a man to score some points with his wife. Bringing home baby Halloween costumes, a birthday cake, or best of all a half-birthday cake, is an excellent way for a father to say: Im here, and Im interested.
